Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Last night I had dream where I was looking for John becoming more frantic. i called his phone and a calling service answered. John was not answering for himself. I began to cry, then scream. I realized I didn't know where he lived anymore. That He hadn't visited me in more than a year. I was furious with him. Embarrased I did'nt know where my son was. Why would he not tell me where he was living? Answer his phone when I called? I cried in the middle of the street caring for a baby crying, sobbing, beating my chest. An old friend of John's looked at me from across the street. He was shaking his head because I was making a specticle of myself. I finally saw John on the street corner and gave him the baby. He looked like he had cancer again. He said he had arranged for his calls to go the the answering center to trick them because they were not staying confidential. The baby began to cry, furious and red. John could not calm the baby, he brought it to me and I handed the baby to the young woman next to me. a girlfriend of sorts of John's. He had clearly picked her, but really did not want to see her. He did not really want to see me. He just wanted to be left alone. She rocked and held the baby tight. I always wonder what these dreams mean. Just a dream? A sign John is going to come back? Would he choose a harder life than the one he had with me? Or would he be given a better life next time around? I want him to wait for me until I die. I want to see him again. I demand it from God. Is this making him have cancer where ever he is? Is my desire to see him, be with his soul again draining his essential self? The dream did not make me feel good. I sit here crying as I type.