Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

So I have been thinking of the dreams the last couple weeks. Mostly they are of Scott and John, and I am not able to find them, looking for them, calling them, no answer. Of course there are all the insane dream qualities, especially the one where they were both dressed in banana costumes, but mostly it is about how they both do not want me to find them and me crying how cruel they are to not let me know they are at least alright in their adventures. They are both impatient to have me let go, and I find it too hard. I understand this is my mind just trying to see how important it is to move on even if just an inch. I wake myself kicking my legs and shouting “no”, but I have no choice.

Subsequently this leaves me perplexed and stuck. I am not sure if I would be in this same state of mind if all went in the “order of things” as Sharon would put it. I suspect I would be in this same spot, empty rooms and the longing for the smell of stinky socks and hanging the guy’s shirts so they will not wrinkle even though neither ever cared much if they were rumpled, but I did. However, did I care because I was more worried what others thought of my boys or did I just want them to look good? It is very hard to be the quintessential mother only to have it end, then not know which way is the best way to turn. In some ways I am back to mothering if I include the care of my father. Is that really the life suit I am stuck in? I know I am stuck in the “Mother of a kid who died” suit, which I add does not fit, but is there any way to peel off the “mommy” suit? It does feel so comfortable and it does stretch too, but I feel in order to grow it is time to strip myself of this roll.

Well here it is almost a week before the four year mark and I am sitting writing with such unbelievable pain. I have had many dreams with John and Scott the last few weeks. Most of them are me looking for John, still. I keep wondering when will the pain end, but it is endless. I will never be able to understand why John had to die and I am at least tonight too tired to be being brave. I just want to curl up and leave this existence. It does not seem like it is worth being in a world with such cruelty and hollowness. I know I am being over reactive, that yet again I will make it through the anniversary, but it seems so unfair to have to endure this kind of life, with a child who was so talented, so wonderful, and so full of life to have been snatched from his young life. I WANT JOHN BACK!!! And I want Scott to have his brother and the burden of the surviving child lifted off his shoulders. This should of never happened to us and I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. So what will I do? I will pull myself up and brush of my skinned knees and rise again tomorrow, even when I do not want to.