Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

I know it has been a while since I have written anything, but I have to admit sometimes I only have enough energy for the world and then I get home, I can let the depression sink in and show and cannot fathom writing anything even though so much has happened recently. Most know that I have moved last month, I still do not know why I had such a need to look hard and do this while my emotional life is still in such turmoil. I know some of it is because I needed the distraction, some of it is because it is forcing me to face reality, to clean out the closets. One think that has become very clear in this move is that when one dies, you cannot take it with you, it is left for someone else to deal with it. I plan on not leaving much for Scott to cope with, and what I do leave for my earthly pleasure I hope he will feel free, and I mean very free to take it to a beach that allows bonfires and sets it up all into flames. No need for him to cart around the junk. John left a bunch, but his attitude was if he made any move that indicated he would not survive leukemia that it would come true. Of course, I would of kept all his stuff, frankly I would wear it if it didn't seem so incestuous, but I sure do miss him so much. Nemo is sitting right now keeping me company, reminding me of Big John with his enormous paw on my hand. Thank goodness I have him to at least let me think that he sometimes channels John's energy.

Scott is doing well, keeping himself busy with school and working. I asked today if he ever gets the idea that I wish it was him instead of John and he said "no." He did go by the tree today and picked a large green pepper. There is a bunch ready for harvest if anyone wants to go down and grab one.

Well, off I go back to my depression. I will watch junky TV and put off again what I should be doing until tomorrow morning. Mornings are just not as bad.