Thursday, February 26, 2009
John would of been 27 yesterday. I looked for him every where and did not find him. I wonder if the last five years his spirit has drifited away. I did not even seem to feel or commune with him at Lalime's. Am going to have to decide if I want to go there again. John just was not there. He was not at the movies either. In some way is it a relief to think I do not have to find John on his birthday or "d" day? Sure, but will I be able to let him go or will I just hope I do not need a special day to find him? The therapist thinks perhaps one of the reasons I continue to be anxious is because I am refusing to let him go. After all I did let him die, I did tell him it was okay to go (wish I could take that back). So is it my guilt or love for John that makes me hold on too hard and makes me refuse to really feel the pain?
