Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Went to the movies to see “Ray” this afternoon since I had the day off. The kind of things that are really tough right now is seeing things that John would like for Christmas or a movie preview that I know is a movie that John would like. I am not sure if he would have liked Ray as much as I did, but, there was a movie trailer that I am sure that John would have poked me and said, “I want to see that.” Movies really became John’s salvation. We watched tons of movies while John was in the hospital and recovering. I guess that is why I must feel so sad tonight. Didn’t have my movie buddy with me.
Last night I went by to see Tony and Chamie’s new baby Gabriel. Tony was one of John’s best friends who is also a chef. They baby is so cute. It was good to have a baby in my arms again, but I know Tony and Chamie must live a little in fear that now that their lives have been touched by John’s passing, that children are not 100% safe, have seen this first hand. I know that also must add to my sad mood tonight. I held the baby, but I know that my feelings were guarded, lest I get too attached to something human again. My mood could be just having a bit of idle time too.
I know that physically this grief period has taken a toll on my health. I have had 3 skin infections since May. One was a sty that got pretty bad, I had an infection on a finger that I cut with my scissors and now I have an infection in the lymph nodes under my right arm. This one wasn’t going to go away without antibiotics so now I have those to remember to take. It is getting better. I am glad I switched to Kaiser. It is easier to deal with and now I won’t have to face a bunch of bills. I did write to the pathology lab that cultured the fungus and sent a check in good faith that they would finally bill Blue Cross correctly, but all they did was cash the check. The funny thing is I used to call companies on their bogus business dealings, and now I really just don’t care. So what.
The other thing that I have noticed lately is I am having trouble with my faith. I know that I believed God would save John and keep Alisa safe. I want to believe completely without doubt, but it is really hard when this kind of thing happens. It is not like I am mad I am just feeling empty and my faith isn't as strong as it once was. I keep hoping that I will get a clear message from God like Isaiah did. That is part of having faith however is believing without really seeing. But it reminds me of John's fascination with Thomas his last few weeks how he said he would not believe the other disciples unless he put his finger in the holes in Jesus' hand. I read the last few chapters of each Gospel to John. Was John trying to just figure it out?
I woke up the other day thinking I was back at City of Hope in John’s hospital room. I could see John’s bed near mine and the door ajar with the picture of the karate champion hanging on the wall just out side. I would have sworn I heard far off IV’s beeping for the nurse’s attention. God I wish John was still alive.
Last night I went by to see Tony and Chamie’s new baby Gabriel. Tony was one of John’s best friends who is also a chef. They baby is so cute. It was good to have a baby in my arms again, but I know Tony and Chamie must live a little in fear that now that their lives have been touched by John’s passing, that children are not 100% safe, have seen this first hand. I know that also must add to my sad mood tonight. I held the baby, but I know that my feelings were guarded, lest I get too attached to something human again. My mood could be just having a bit of idle time too.
I know that physically this grief period has taken a toll on my health. I have had 3 skin infections since May. One was a sty that got pretty bad, I had an infection on a finger that I cut with my scissors and now I have an infection in the lymph nodes under my right arm. This one wasn’t going to go away without antibiotics so now I have those to remember to take. It is getting better. I am glad I switched to Kaiser. It is easier to deal with and now I won’t have to face a bunch of bills. I did write to the pathology lab that cultured the fungus and sent a check in good faith that they would finally bill Blue Cross correctly, but all they did was cash the check. The funny thing is I used to call companies on their bogus business dealings, and now I really just don’t care. So what.
The other thing that I have noticed lately is I am having trouble with my faith. I know that I believed God would save John and keep Alisa safe. I want to believe completely without doubt, but it is really hard when this kind of thing happens. It is not like I am mad I am just feeling empty and my faith isn't as strong as it once was. I keep hoping that I will get a clear message from God like Isaiah did. That is part of having faith however is believing without really seeing. But it reminds me of John's fascination with Thomas his last few weeks how he said he would not believe the other disciples unless he put his finger in the holes in Jesus' hand. I read the last few chapters of each Gospel to John. Was John trying to just figure it out?
I woke up the other day thinking I was back at City of Hope in John’s hospital room. I could see John’s bed near mine and the door ajar with the picture of the karate champion hanging on the wall just out side. I would have sworn I heard far off IV’s beeping for the nurse’s attention. God I wish John was still alive.
