Tuesday, September 28, 2004
The past few weeks I believe what is happening to me is that I really and I mean really do not want to acknowledge John’s death so the result is I am avoiding feeling all the grief, because by avoiding it I do not have to admit John is really gone. I have had glimpses of what real grief feels like and let me tell you it is not pretty. It is gut wrenching. I mentioned the other day that I have gone to a body worker who is helping me on a spiritual level, I guess. I really have no real idea what he is doing; I just know it is helping me. Both times after seeing Steven a couple days later I was able to really cry and feel some of the pent up emotions. I am sure this is why I was able to have my spontaneous scream the other night. This last time I saw him, he asked me to bring myself back in the body several times and I have the most curious imagery that led to my newest epiphany. The images I experienced was of me feeling like a corpse lying on a table. As I imagined breathing myself back into my body, my body was there like a dead fish, cold and rigor mortis. This made sense to me as I know during the last few months I have not really wanted to be part of this living world. It is not as if I am going to die prematurely, but since John’s passing I am not as interested in living here on earth. Right now I am looking forward to the day I get to leave and be in a different place. Now don’t worry, I talked to the grief therapist and she said that is normal for a person at my stage of grief. She also said that if I am not in my body then I won’t have to feel the human pain of grieving. So again it makes sense why I have been walking around on auto pilot giving myself a pat on the back for even getting up in the morning.
When I was meditating the other day I did have a sense of John’s spirit being around. During the few seconds I felt John I was filled with complete joy. The quick visit (I guess I can call it that, but that is not really what it is) included a hug and a message that he does not want to waste time talking about his passing, but spend the precious few seconds just being with me. So I sat and he put is arm around me and we were quiet. It took place very quickly. I did get a sense that he is fine, but still has longing for this earth, not necessarily to spend time with me, per se, just really liked being here.
Last but not least, the redwood tree planting is going to happen in a couple weeks. The Boy Scout troop is sponsoring it and planning a sunset ceremony to plant the tree. There was a decision to also include a plaque commemorating John. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but after a while I really began to like the idea. I like there will be a place to go to, and a plaque that will help others remember John too. I was wondering if it was my ego that likes the idea of an outward reminder that John was here, even if only a short time. I decided however, that it has to be a biological human response to losing a loved one. Think about it, headstones and cemeteries. This is not a new idea to mark the life of someone, so there must be some sort of human biological basis. Last week I was upset because I thought John would become a statistic to his friends and be mostly forgotten. Now I want a permanent marker for the world to see. Could be ego, but I doubt it.
When I was meditating the other day I did have a sense of John’s spirit being around. During the few seconds I felt John I was filled with complete joy. The quick visit (I guess I can call it that, but that is not really what it is) included a hug and a message that he does not want to waste time talking about his passing, but spend the precious few seconds just being with me. So I sat and he put is arm around me and we were quiet. It took place very quickly. I did get a sense that he is fine, but still has longing for this earth, not necessarily to spend time with me, per se, just really liked being here.
Last but not least, the redwood tree planting is going to happen in a couple weeks. The Boy Scout troop is sponsoring it and planning a sunset ceremony to plant the tree. There was a decision to also include a plaque commemorating John. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but after a while I really began to like the idea. I like there will be a place to go to, and a plaque that will help others remember John too. I was wondering if it was my ego that likes the idea of an outward reminder that John was here, even if only a short time. I decided however, that it has to be a biological human response to losing a loved one. Think about it, headstones and cemeteries. This is not a new idea to mark the life of someone, so there must be some sort of human biological basis. Last week I was upset because I thought John would become a statistic to his friends and be mostly forgotten. Now I want a permanent marker for the world to see. Could be ego, but I doubt it.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
I had an interesting thing happen tonight on the way home from a friend’s house. Traffic was really terrible as usual getting to the lower deck of the Bay Bridge, and for the last year my anxiety level has increased 10 fold so traffic has become sometimes an opportunity for me to have an all out ing bing. Since I know myself these days and I do know alternative routes around the grid lock at this section of the freeway I got off and took the 9th street entrance onto the bridge. As soon as I was on the entrance I realized the last time I was on this entrance was with John as we were re-enrolling him into school for the last time. It too was crowded as it was commute time home. I was having my usual anxiety attack being stuck in traffic with John. I only now wish I had treasured the extra minutes I was given and enjoyed them instead of worry we would be stuck for hours. Often I am hit with places I have shared with John. These memories hit me so hard I am almost dizzy. Tonight as I am getting on the lower deck and I am hit with this incredible wave of missing John, I don’t know where it came from but I screamed the loudest, deepest “NO”. It literally shook the car. My throat even hurts now, but what it made me recognize is that I DO NOT WANT TO GRIEVE John. I want him back. I want a do over. I do not want John dead period.
