Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year, again. 2007 went too fast, but I often find it is yet again 10:00 and time for bed.
Was driving home from the condo tonight after Scott helped me move some boxes from Jennifer's house and realized that I am having a bit of a crisis of faith. I really believed me condo would be sold by now, trusted God I was being led in the right direction to put it on the market and 6 months later I have to move back. I will continue to try and sell it, but I am also resigned tonight to another defeat. Why I even bother to blog this information is I also kept a very positive out look on John's prognosis, even in the end, I really thought God would help the doctors cure John, that the second transplant was the miracle I was expecting. I have often looked at the good side of the transplant part deux, that it allowed precious time with John I would not of be able to share, or even the blessing John got ill instead of dying suddenly. Counted how lucky I am to have had the experience, blah, blah, blah. Now though even in my gut I believed God would come through and find a buyer and give me the "do-over" I have requested, it still is not happening. It is frustrating, the feeling of complete dread that God will let me down again. Worse I am going to some how live through these disappointing feelings which of course will bring up all the disappointment of losing John, which always looms so close to the surface.
Was driving home from the condo tonight after Scott helped me move some boxes from Jennifer's house and realized that I am having a bit of a crisis of faith. I really believed me condo would be sold by now, trusted God I was being led in the right direction to put it on the market and 6 months later I have to move back. I will continue to try and sell it, but I am also resigned tonight to another defeat. Why I even bother to blog this information is I also kept a very positive out look on John's prognosis, even in the end, I really thought God would help the doctors cure John, that the second transplant was the miracle I was expecting. I have often looked at the good side of the transplant part deux, that it allowed precious time with John I would not of be able to share, or even the blessing John got ill instead of dying suddenly. Counted how lucky I am to have had the experience, blah, blah, blah. Now though even in my gut I believed God would come through and find a buyer and give me the "do-over" I have requested, it still is not happening. It is frustrating, the feeling of complete dread that God will let me down again. Worse I am going to some how live through these disappointing feelings which of course will bring up all the disappointment of losing John, which always looms so close to the surface.
