Sunday, May 07, 2006
Honestly I really thought I would have the energy to write on May 4th this year, but I could not find it. In a way I think this is very good. After 2 years since John died I do not feel as traumatized as I did. I do feel numb, and there are times I am still pretty mad. Also there are times that I have to convince myself that John was a living human being, and not a delusion since real life would never take my child away.
I also feel as though I have gotten a clearer message that John wants me to not dwell on the date of his passing, but of his beginning. I have had many dreams with John lately looking good, singing and even playing guitar. Scott changed the date on a calendar that belonged to John, which I have hanging in my kitchen. It, for nearly two years has stood still on Tuesday May 4th and on John’s birthday Scott changed the date to Saturday February 25th. This is the touching kind of thing I will find Scott has done to remember his brother. Today the calendar shows Thursday February 25th for the reason that this is the weekday he was born. And I like that, the calendar brings me a bit of joy when I see it in the kitchen.
Jennifer and I planted some herbs this year by John’s tree and I had a few fireworks added to my helper monkey tattoo. The monkey does not look alone and I am once more acknowledging the carefree aspects of remembering John.
John’s friend Tonio wrote recently that John is love, and now he can do anything he wants, and I do believe this. I know John’s spirit will hang around me from time to time, after all I do think our souls are still playmates.
I also feel as though I have gotten a clearer message that John wants me to not dwell on the date of his passing, but of his beginning. I have had many dreams with John lately looking good, singing and even playing guitar. Scott changed the date on a calendar that belonged to John, which I have hanging in my kitchen. It, for nearly two years has stood still on Tuesday May 4th and on John’s birthday Scott changed the date to Saturday February 25th. This is the touching kind of thing I will find Scott has done to remember his brother. Today the calendar shows Thursday February 25th for the reason that this is the weekday he was born. And I like that, the calendar brings me a bit of joy when I see it in the kitchen.
Jennifer and I planted some herbs this year by John’s tree and I had a few fireworks added to my helper monkey tattoo. The monkey does not look alone and I am once more acknowledging the carefree aspects of remembering John.
John’s friend Tonio wrote recently that John is love, and now he can do anything he wants, and I do believe this. I know John’s spirit will hang around me from time to time, after all I do think our souls are still playmates.
