Thursday, May 17, 2007
The other day I ran into a cancer center comrade who was coming up on her husband’s first anniversary of his passing from melanoma. I was also Charlotte’s first return to Alta Bates since her husband’s passing and she shared she was having vivid flash backs of what she was doing, what she was thinking, and how helpless she felt. All I could tell her is that after three years it is different, time has healed many of the wounds, but even now I have these flash backs of seeing John bleeding and coughing blood and me thinking he would be okay, once we go the bleeding to stop…once the donor’s cells helped John’s immune system together so he could fight the fungus and stop the disintegration of his lungs. The look on her face said it all, how fresh everything is that first year and how I know I will make it through.
Things have been moving forward, I have spent time with Pop. The kinship we have over the birth and death of our child will never be separated. Pop is now helping Jake with his vintage car, and I know it is a good recovery process, for all of us.
I am moving, I decided of all the things I am feeling unhappy about, most of it I cannot change, but I can change where I live and I can allow myself to be taken care of again. For the last three years I have been and will continue to pay back the universe for all the kindness and help I received, but that I still do need help, perhaps even a little supervision and accountability. I am fortunate to have this kind of love and help.
Auntie Aud and Bob are going to keep John’s ashes for me. Bob says he will make sure NASCAR is on each Sunday. Tonio last Tuesday said he was aware of John being around, but it is less often than it used to be. Funny I felt John was with me too for a bit. With moving I am going through and giving more of John’s material stuff away. Went through my Grandma box with his shirts, suit and shoes. His smell is still on his sweatshirt, but it also smells a little like the plastic container, but it is still soft and so easy to hold onto. I have also run into some of his handwriting. John was so real, and now so gone.
Things have been moving forward, I have spent time with Pop. The kinship we have over the birth and death of our child will never be separated. Pop is now helping Jake with his vintage car, and I know it is a good recovery process, for all of us.
I am moving, I decided of all the things I am feeling unhappy about, most of it I cannot change, but I can change where I live and I can allow myself to be taken care of again. For the last three years I have been and will continue to pay back the universe for all the kindness and help I received, but that I still do need help, perhaps even a little supervision and accountability. I am fortunate to have this kind of love and help.
Auntie Aud and Bob are going to keep John’s ashes for me. Bob says he will make sure NASCAR is on each Sunday. Tonio last Tuesday said he was aware of John being around, but it is less often than it used to be. Funny I felt John was with me too for a bit. With moving I am going through and giving more of John’s material stuff away. Went through my Grandma box with his shirts, suit and shoes. His smell is still on his sweatshirt, but it also smells a little like the plastic container, but it is still soft and so easy to hold onto. I have also run into some of his handwriting. John was so real, and now so gone.
