Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

These days are often so hard to figure out. It is hard to say whether or not I would be in the same mind space of trying to refigure out life again any way or if it is different than average empty nest I feel. I know many women when their children left home that went through stages of anorexia and mania. Fortunately I suffer from neither, just don’t know where my life is heading. Recently I had an experience where I actually had a really good time. Now one would think this would mean I have headed further down the road to recovery. But instead it put me into a pretty deep depression. The very act of allowing me to feel something whether pleasure or pain seemed to scratch the surface of the festering wound that is about to pop. I do not know how much longer I will be able to keep my balance, I feel as though I am teetering awfully far these days, and I can feel me head vibrate when it is still. I keep hoping if I wait long enough and learn to live with my loss, then when I do fall apart I will be able to return. Right now I cannot be so sure. In the meantime I continue to struggle with the meaning of it all. Still not sure what I am doing here. Still trying to figure out what the purpose is. Still waiting for my conversation with God .What is the point, and is it really worth feeling anything again. So much easier to stay numb and even with the occasional slam of grief that often overcomes me. Sometimes with a groan, or a shout, mostly though I just slump into submission until I can get it to pass. And the worst thing is that I have had it easy. A loving family and friends I actually like, and two and a half years of constant companionship that has left very little regret. I was so lucky that John could tell me he was scared and I could hug and hold his hand that last day. I still often hear my voice ringing in the room, “my baby, my baby, my baby” and the certain bravado and acceptance I thought was appropriate and the inevitable need to apologize to those I did not call soon enough so they too could be with John in the end: James, Jackie, Aud and Bob. Suzanne too. So many more people should have been given the opportunity to say good bye.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that today is Jesse Melnyk’s birthday. He would have been 27 today. Still missing you kid.