Wednesday, April 04, 2007
A big part of having someone, especially a child die, is it builds a solid layer, almost a candy coating around the heart. The result is it takes very little to become desponded. The littlest thing is always akin to the camels back weighed down waiting for the final straw.
What does this mean? It means when I make a mistake, the self loathing and punishing words of “you are stupid” or “how could you?” implodes inside me. I physically shake and have trouble forgiving myself for the smallest misstep. Often I cannot determine what is impulse and right thinking, and when it becomes apparent I followed impulse (such as saying something I should of kept to myself) my feeling of embarrassment or regret is completely out of proportion and the inside voice begins to speak. My brain fills with taunts and it seems like the end of the world for me. Luckily I have a life, and this life is full of many chores and obligation, such as bringing the cake for the Easter Vigil, that transports me back to reality, and then I think of Scott.
The other day I spoke to Father David the priest at church about this “end of the world thinking” and he reminded me there are people here just to see me smile…so I go on.
I am hoping the next three weeks go smoothly (Easter to D-day). I have written that time has healed a lot of the wounds, but these three years have flown by, mostly with me in oblivion. I so remind myself I am capable of have great days, much like the day in Spain which is beyond doubt in my top ten and having the ability to occasionally feel again is correct order of things in life.
What does this mean? It means when I make a mistake, the self loathing and punishing words of “you are stupid” or “how could you?” implodes inside me. I physically shake and have trouble forgiving myself for the smallest misstep. Often I cannot determine what is impulse and right thinking, and when it becomes apparent I followed impulse (such as saying something I should of kept to myself) my feeling of embarrassment or regret is completely out of proportion and the inside voice begins to speak. My brain fills with taunts and it seems like the end of the world for me. Luckily I have a life, and this life is full of many chores and obligation, such as bringing the cake for the Easter Vigil, that transports me back to reality, and then I think of Scott.
The other day I spoke to Father David the priest at church about this “end of the world thinking” and he reminded me there are people here just to see me smile…so I go on.
I am hoping the next three weeks go smoothly (Easter to D-day). I have written that time has healed a lot of the wounds, but these three years have flown by, mostly with me in oblivion. I so remind myself I am capable of have great days, much like the day in Spain which is beyond doubt in my top ten and having the ability to occasionally feel again is correct order of things in life.
