Sunday, May 29, 2005
Another day, another day, another day. I would think by now since I am "through the worse" that I would stop feeling the tornado of anger spinning inside me. But there is going around and around, hardly ever stopping. Sugar temporarily slows it down, but that is not a solution, as when I am trying to slow the spinning I add self loathing for not being strong or able to control myself to the list of things to hate myself about (I am told normal response as it is a guilt complex for having the natural order of things messed up with John going first). Alcohol does numb the cyclone, but I really don't like the idea of becoming a chronic alcoholic, so that is not a solution. Any ideas, anyone? Any ideas of how to change what has come to be the truth of my existence? Cripes (and I do mean cripes).
