Monday, January 15, 2007
Had a fairly profound experience this morning. God answered a prayer in such a way I cannot even pretend or reason away the experience. The answered prayer really is not important or interesting, however my reaction to it and what happened a bit later I think is important, especially that it allowed many tears today, frankly I am worn out from crying, but I also feel a bit cleansed of some of the sad toxins that for several reasons have decided to bubble up from the depths or deaths of my being.
Once the prayer was answered and I began to cry, in public, in front of people I did and did not know, I couldn’t stop. I went to work an hour late, which for the person I am working for was okay because she too has lost someone to cancer and was by my side the entire journey with John. But as I sat and cried sorting charts in a heated office I began to chatter and shake with cold. It only took a few minutes to recognize my baby John was standing behind me offering comfort for my tears. I know the tears are from life’s disappointments of the last few years, and that God can answer some prayers, but not the one I needed the most--John surviving--but then God allowed him to come down for this brief moment. So on one hand God is forcing me into a new suit, the one I have bemoaned before, the “Mom who lost a child” suit, but also I fear the active church goer suit, which fits better, but still scratches an awful lot for this girl who always has sat in the back of the church not following life’s directions exactly, but as I have been forced to accept the passing of John, because believe me if God were going to turn back time and bring John back or let me trade places, it would of happened by now--and the other hand he let me have John for 22 years and still now.
To those who read this by chance today, tomorrow or whenever, please ask God to send extra blessings to Christina Marie, he knows this special person and hopefully he can introduce her to John.
Once the prayer was answered and I began to cry, in public, in front of people I did and did not know, I couldn’t stop. I went to work an hour late, which for the person I am working for was okay because she too has lost someone to cancer and was by my side the entire journey with John. But as I sat and cried sorting charts in a heated office I began to chatter and shake with cold. It only took a few minutes to recognize my baby John was standing behind me offering comfort for my tears. I know the tears are from life’s disappointments of the last few years, and that God can answer some prayers, but not the one I needed the most--John surviving--but then God allowed him to come down for this brief moment. So on one hand God is forcing me into a new suit, the one I have bemoaned before, the “Mom who lost a child” suit, but also I fear the active church goer suit, which fits better, but still scratches an awful lot for this girl who always has sat in the back of the church not following life’s directions exactly, but as I have been forced to accept the passing of John, because believe me if God were going to turn back time and bring John back or let me trade places, it would of happened by now--and the other hand he let me have John for 22 years and still now.
To those who read this by chance today, tomorrow or whenever, please ask God to send extra blessings to Christina Marie, he knows this special person and hopefully he can introduce her to John.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I was at church this morning and decided I was there for the wrong reason and left. I absolutely hate feeling so low. I really did not think I could feel any worse than I have and then I surprise myself and I feel worse. Jennifer says it is good I am feeling something, but please God put me back to sleep. I do not want to feel any of this. It was so much easier to get out of bed and work and socialize. Now it is the biggest struggle. I cannot stand all the pain I am feeling. Can’t I leave good enough alone and know I did the right thing in behaving like a good soldier and letting John go? I really do not care if it makes me a better person in the end, at least I was having occasional minutes of pleasure and happiness. Now it is taking all my energy just to put on the “I am okay” face. I do not understand how all this pain is suppose to bring me closer to God. I am sure there has to be a better way. I feel trapped in this misery.
