Thursday, April 19, 2007
Gosh, many things are happening. One is I have decided to try and sell the condo. It was a mistake to move from my home on Kains with all the warm memories. John now is so distant. I cannot often differentiate the sadness I feel is from my current life situation or this way too big empty apartment. I realize I go to bed within a few minutes of coming home because there is really nothing to do here. I cannot walk out my door and take a walk. I do not spend my time hunting for Nico in the neighborhood to bring in. I walk in and shut myself in. I never in my life would ever use the description of lonely for me. I keep up social activities, go to church and work my two jobs. Mostly I cannot understand why I think being lonely is such a bad thing. The hardest part it that I enjoy being alone, but I think like work it isn’t as fun when one has to do it. So I come home, pet the cats, feel lonely and go to bed. This certainly is not how I expected my life to be like. I cannot make Scott not grow up and leave as he should, I have not been able to bring back John and make it so he was never sick, but I can change where I live.
