Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Have to say I have had some sort of break through. I did not think of it being Tuesday (death day) until about noon today. Even though John is never far from my thoughts at least I think the broken record of every thought reminding me of John, or having some reference to John is less. I do believe that is the difference between 16 weeks and it being a couple weeks. Time does seem to make it easier to cope.
I was at church the other day and I did cry when I say the beautiful new born baby. It reminds one of all the hopes and dreams a baby represents. I began grief counseling and I brought a bunch of pictures, most before John got sick. I want to try to focus on the loss of John, the baby he was, the future he will not have. I do not want to cry about the “drama” that his illness brought to our lives. I want to cry about the “ghost” uncle that John will be to Scott’s children and that I will not have John’s children to spoil. That is what I want to cry about. If I need to get angry about John dying, then let me get angry about the half bottle of Pellegrino that John will never finish or the hot and sour soup I will never taste again.
Last Sunday I was working a shift in the emergency room and I ran into one of the doctors that used to fill in when Dr. Wolf was away or not on weekend call. Dr. Lewis actually helped us through John’s first relapse because Dr. Wolf was in Napal. When ever Dr. Wolf was away John always wanted Dr. Lewis to step in (no offense to Dr. Cassidy who we also really liked and Dr. Irwin who John thought was the nicest in doing the bone marrow biopsies). Dr. Lewis saw me and his immediate reaction was not that I was working, but I was in the ER with John for an emergency. For a moment he forgot the big guy was dead. The look on his face really told it all, at first he asked with alarm why was I there…especially since he was there to deal with another cancer patient (probably wondering why he wasn’t called about John)…and then the realization I was working and John is gone. I told him that I too have trouble sometimes believing that John is gone, it seems just too unreal. I also saw Dr. Kababitz (the ENT) who was there the night John died. He cannot even face me yet. I swear he began to walk faster so our eyes did not truly meet and he did not have to face me. I know they all want to be miracle workers. It just isn’t always the case.
This afternoon, Dannette the night nurse who helped John so much his last three weeks and was there when John died called today at my request. I was told that John told her he was done, ready to stop fighting. This has been really hard for me to accept as I know how much John wanted to continue living, and I saw how hard he fought to stay alive. She said that what she saw was a person whose body gave out, not his spirit. She arrived at 11:00 to the news that John seemed to be in real trouble. They did not know or think he was going to die, but she walked in and saw how tired John was. She was alarmed to see how much blood he lost, how tired he was. She did tell him it was okay to lie down, to rest. She also told me that I did tell John how much I loved him. She told me I repeated to him that it was okay…I love you sweetie…it is okay more than once. Dannette says that John was very fortunate to have so many people with him who loved him, Dr. Wolf, me, Scott, Auntie Laura and Jennifer, Dannette, Sibbion, Mona, the repiratory technician, the room was crowded so John did not have to die alone and Dannette thinks it made him less afraid to let his body fail, but never his spirit. John’s spirit never faltered. John did not want to die, ever.
I was at church the other day and I did cry when I say the beautiful new born baby. It reminds one of all the hopes and dreams a baby represents. I began grief counseling and I brought a bunch of pictures, most before John got sick. I want to try to focus on the loss of John, the baby he was, the future he will not have. I do not want to cry about the “drama” that his illness brought to our lives. I want to cry about the “ghost” uncle that John will be to Scott’s children and that I will not have John’s children to spoil. That is what I want to cry about. If I need to get angry about John dying, then let me get angry about the half bottle of Pellegrino that John will never finish or the hot and sour soup I will never taste again.
Last Sunday I was working a shift in the emergency room and I ran into one of the doctors that used to fill in when Dr. Wolf was away or not on weekend call. Dr. Lewis actually helped us through John’s first relapse because Dr. Wolf was in Napal. When ever Dr. Wolf was away John always wanted Dr. Lewis to step in (no offense to Dr. Cassidy who we also really liked and Dr. Irwin who John thought was the nicest in doing the bone marrow biopsies). Dr. Lewis saw me and his immediate reaction was not that I was working, but I was in the ER with John for an emergency. For a moment he forgot the big guy was dead. The look on his face really told it all, at first he asked with alarm why was I there…especially since he was there to deal with another cancer patient (probably wondering why he wasn’t called about John)…and then the realization I was working and John is gone. I told him that I too have trouble sometimes believing that John is gone, it seems just too unreal. I also saw Dr. Kababitz (the ENT) who was there the night John died. He cannot even face me yet. I swear he began to walk faster so our eyes did not truly meet and he did not have to face me. I know they all want to be miracle workers. It just isn’t always the case.
This afternoon, Dannette the night nurse who helped John so much his last three weeks and was there when John died called today at my request. I was told that John told her he was done, ready to stop fighting. This has been really hard for me to accept as I know how much John wanted to continue living, and I saw how hard he fought to stay alive. She said that what she saw was a person whose body gave out, not his spirit. She arrived at 11:00 to the news that John seemed to be in real trouble. They did not know or think he was going to die, but she walked in and saw how tired John was. She was alarmed to see how much blood he lost, how tired he was. She did tell him it was okay to lie down, to rest. She also told me that I did tell John how much I loved him. She told me I repeated to him that it was okay…I love you sweetie…it is okay more than once. Dannette says that John was very fortunate to have so many people with him who loved him, Dr. Wolf, me, Scott, Auntie Laura and Jennifer, Dannette, Sibbion, Mona, the repiratory technician, the room was crowded so John did not have to die alone and Dannette thinks it made him less afraid to let his body fail, but never his spirit. John’s spirit never faltered. John did not want to die, ever.
