Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I would have written on May 4th or the 5th, but I have been too happy and busy enjoying the sunshine. After mass on Friday (the dreaded 5/4) suddenly I knew I was going to make it another year. What instant relief. I think deep inside or actually fairly shallow I do not trust my own strength and begin to become anxious I will make the turn into insanity and not turn back. I see this each day I work at the hospital. I do not think the majority of the population even realizes how many people (about 6-10) have to go to the psych ward each day. This has been so since the day I began working in the ER and as time and the economy continues to oppress people the number not handling regular life are falling off parts of the earth, and it makes me wonder how if they can fall without the loss of someone so precious, my time must be near. However, I made it again, mostly with the help of some many people who care, and called and reminded me they have not forgotten John either. Janet and Marcia both checked in and Janet what can I say about her help (you know what you have done). My sister Aud sent a post card to let me know John still sends occasional bubbles to her. As time has passed and healed all of us I don’t get as many pennies much like Aud does not get bubbles. John’s Uncle Bob keeps a picture of him on his desk and continues to ask for strength (you might recall Tonio had a specific message for his Uncle a couple years ago). All these admissions help me heal. I know next year will come by again, who knows what place I will be in, just know I made it again this year and I am happy.
Last night had a funny dream about John’s ashes. I’ve been talking to Pop about what we should do with them, which I recognize as real movement and Pop thinks they are fine where they are. In the dream I went to Europe and left the ashes in a hotel after many attempts to go out and spread them. When I got on the plane to return home I noticed I’d forgotten the ashes in the hotel. I was convinced the housekeeping staff was going to throw them out and how much regret I had about wanting to spread them. I was crying, panicking wanting to get them back before they disappeared forever. As I arrived back at the hotel the phone rang and the desk clerk told me it was John Sanchez calling. Unfortunately I woke up in my excitement to speak to John, to get the answer, but I do think John is telling me to still wait. He doesn’t mind his ashes where they are, surrounded by loving things, and mostly us. I know, and John knows I know, his being is not in there, just left over particles of him.
Last night had a funny dream about John’s ashes. I’ve been talking to Pop about what we should do with them, which I recognize as real movement and Pop thinks they are fine where they are. In the dream I went to Europe and left the ashes in a hotel after many attempts to go out and spread them. When I got on the plane to return home I noticed I’d forgotten the ashes in the hotel. I was convinced the housekeeping staff was going to throw them out and how much regret I had about wanting to spread them. I was crying, panicking wanting to get them back before they disappeared forever. As I arrived back at the hotel the phone rang and the desk clerk told me it was John Sanchez calling. Unfortunately I woke up in my excitement to speak to John, to get the answer, but I do think John is telling me to still wait. He doesn’t mind his ashes where they are, surrounded by loving things, and mostly us. I know, and John knows I know, his being is not in there, just left over particles of him.
