Tuesday, July 13, 2004
I have been given the best news this morning. A while back I signed release forms to give permission to the donor to know who I am. I had not heard a word from him and decided to check to see if they got my paper work. I got a call from City of Hope and believe it or not, he is not on the East Coast, but in Nape, California! I am writing him this morning. I will ask if it is okay if I introduce him on the blog. I want everyone to know John’s hero, the person who gave John the best 5 months of his life…Without his generous help John would not of had the opportunity to have fun with James, completion with Scott and most of all I would not of had so much time with him. Yes we bickered a bunch, we at the end were often more like a brother and sister, but I value every minute I was given with John.
I have finally had a couple dreams with John in it. One of them I cannot remember the text of the dream, just a few key players. When I woke up and realized John was in the dream all other thoughts flew out the window. John still had his pot belly. Of course where ever John is spiritually he doesn’t have his old broken earthly belly, but I would not probably recognize him without it. All I know is that I do believe once a person dies and goes to the next realm that there are several easy tricks they can learn early. One is putting pennies in the loved ones path when they are near, thinking about them or wanting them to notice some favor they have done. For example Pop found a penny in his shoe during John’s service. The penny wasn’t there when the service began, but Pop found it and knew immediately it was from John. I find pennies all the time. Today after cleaning house I found two pennies on the dishwasher. I know they were not there before because I’d cleaned off the top of it and stacked all Scott’s papers neatly on it. When I passed the dishwasher later there were two pennies. Anytime I find a penny I say, “thank you John” and put it into this black back. Once day I am sure it will be full of pennies. Perhaps enough to go on a vacation. Another penny incident is when one day when I was trying on some pants in a dressing room I was picking up a hanger and noticed the penny. I said my usual Thank you to John and when I was leaving the department without the pants I wanted which were on sale for half price because they had the larger size and the too small size, and I saw one last pair off on another rack and off course they were my size.
So today is 70 days since John died. Ten long and short weeks. Really do not know what to do. I am sure one day I will lose count. I do have a pretty terrible stomach ache. Yesterday I was watching a documentary a friend recommended called “Fierce Grace” about Ram Doss. Ram Doss was a pal of Timothy Leary, but later went to India and became a Guru. Mostly the documentary is about a severe stroke he suffered and his lessons he is learning from it, but there was also a message about everyone learning from our own suffering. This lady read a letter from Ram Doss after her child was killed. He said they were to thank her for the time she was able to spend with them, and celebrate the life lessons and growth that will come from her death. I cannot remember thanking John for being around for 22 years. I do know that something must of resonated with me and the documentary because I cried a bunch while watching it. I do know that I am learning to meditate and going on a journey to find my spiritual guides. Once instruction during the meditation is to ask questions. So I asked if John was okay and in unison they all answered, “Yes”.
One of the hardest parts of mourning John is not to leave Scott out or make him feel like John’s memory will forever over shadow him. Scott will soon move out and I wonder if this is when I will begin to feel the real pain of John’s death. Even thinking about it makes me dizzy.
I have finally had a couple dreams with John in it. One of them I cannot remember the text of the dream, just a few key players. When I woke up and realized John was in the dream all other thoughts flew out the window. John still had his pot belly. Of course where ever John is spiritually he doesn’t have his old broken earthly belly, but I would not probably recognize him without it. All I know is that I do believe once a person dies and goes to the next realm that there are several easy tricks they can learn early. One is putting pennies in the loved ones path when they are near, thinking about them or wanting them to notice some favor they have done. For example Pop found a penny in his shoe during John’s service. The penny wasn’t there when the service began, but Pop found it and knew immediately it was from John. I find pennies all the time. Today after cleaning house I found two pennies on the dishwasher. I know they were not there before because I’d cleaned off the top of it and stacked all Scott’s papers neatly on it. When I passed the dishwasher later there were two pennies. Anytime I find a penny I say, “thank you John” and put it into this black back. Once day I am sure it will be full of pennies. Perhaps enough to go on a vacation. Another penny incident is when one day when I was trying on some pants in a dressing room I was picking up a hanger and noticed the penny. I said my usual Thank you to John and when I was leaving the department without the pants I wanted which were on sale for half price because they had the larger size and the too small size, and I saw one last pair off on another rack and off course they were my size.
So today is 70 days since John died. Ten long and short weeks. Really do not know what to do. I am sure one day I will lose count. I do have a pretty terrible stomach ache. Yesterday I was watching a documentary a friend recommended called “Fierce Grace” about Ram Doss. Ram Doss was a pal of Timothy Leary, but later went to India and became a Guru. Mostly the documentary is about a severe stroke he suffered and his lessons he is learning from it, but there was also a message about everyone learning from our own suffering. This lady read a letter from Ram Doss after her child was killed. He said they were to thank her for the time she was able to spend with them, and celebrate the life lessons and growth that will come from her death. I cannot remember thanking John for being around for 22 years. I do know that something must of resonated with me and the documentary because I cried a bunch while watching it. I do know that I am learning to meditate and going on a journey to find my spiritual guides. Once instruction during the meditation is to ask questions. So I asked if John was okay and in unison they all answered, “Yes”.
One of the hardest parts of mourning John is not to leave Scott out or make him feel like John’s memory will forever over shadow him. Scott will soon move out and I wonder if this is when I will begin to feel the real pain of John’s death. Even thinking about it makes me dizzy.
