Tuesday, February 13, 2007
This morning I sit here crying trying to figure out how in the world I can learn to hug myself. My house is so empty. The cats help because I can hug them and Nico, God bless him grooms me, but their arms just are not long enough to wrap me tight. I often sit in the fetal position wrapped in blankets looking to me to be my own comforter as only I can provide my own true comfort and happiness. The other day a friend who is overwhelmed with work mentioned a pile of dirty laundry they cannot get to and I had to stop myself from begging to do it for them. I do miss feeling helpful with the boys. Most parents feel resentment about how much they have to do for their children, and yes I did my share of complaining, but washing and hanging the boy’s clothes, being their laundry fairy (Scott would start the first load and in a couple days find all of it dry and folded on top of the washer) was always a pleasure. Especially once they got older and did not need me to tie their shoes or wipe their noses anymore.
I am happy, I do have to state that very clearly. I have so many moments of real happiness these days. The other day I walked on the beach between rain storms and I felt the bliss of being here in my earthly body. I am not sure I will feel that once I am spirit. I prayed with a dying woman at the hospital the other morning when I was serving communion and realize what a privilege it is to have this opportunity, to put my hand on the forehead of a person and ask God to comfort and keep her company until her time comes. I also recognize I can feel these tears and do not have to always justify them because I do know how great I have it regardless of what I have experienced, without having John and Scott I would not have learned these things. And I have to state I have learned most of it while John was alive, the unending faith I have is the newest lesson, and while I trust even though stubborn, I would of learned that too without John dying.
I had a realization the other day that even though I have been a reluctant spirit most of my life, and often carry to burden of being an unwanted child by my own mother, I have not been unwanted by the world. I know the dying woman wanted me, and eventually I know my life will be so full I will not lust after someone else’s dirty laundry.
I am happy, I do have to state that very clearly. I have so many moments of real happiness these days. The other day I walked on the beach between rain storms and I felt the bliss of being here in my earthly body. I am not sure I will feel that once I am spirit. I prayed with a dying woman at the hospital the other morning when I was serving communion and realize what a privilege it is to have this opportunity, to put my hand on the forehead of a person and ask God to comfort and keep her company until her time comes. I also recognize I can feel these tears and do not have to always justify them because I do know how great I have it regardless of what I have experienced, without having John and Scott I would not have learned these things. And I have to state I have learned most of it while John was alive, the unending faith I have is the newest lesson, and while I trust even though stubborn, I would of learned that too without John dying.
I had a realization the other day that even though I have been a reluctant spirit most of my life, and often carry to burden of being an unwanted child by my own mother, I have not been unwanted by the world. I know the dying woman wanted me, and eventually I know my life will be so full I will not lust after someone else’s dirty laundry.
