Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

I am sure most have had a song or a rhyme stuck in their head, lately for me it is Humpty Dumpty. I cannot get the picture of me falling off the wall and breaking into thousands of pieces and all the sisters, brothers, friends, therapists and anti-depressants will not put me back together again. The light of my soul leaks from the inside out and I have no reserve to help heal me. This is grief. And because of this grief I then have all the other old cracks from living an ordinary life with all the regular bumps and bruises are now festering boils. For instance my relationships with guys are now wreaked. The other day this guy asked me out, he was cute enough if not a little too young and all I could tell him was, “sorry I am broken right now”. So then in order to continue on this side of life I have to look at why I am so broken. As my friend Theresa says, the wounds I have are wounds I should embrace because these are the things that are making me grow. I wish growth was not so painful. The boils are bursting right now. Mostly that I feel that I do not have a mother OR father to fall back on for comfort. I ran into a friend today and he recently spent a month with his elderly parents. And mostly he is feeling he is missing the day to day contact with his parents love, and all I could think of is I have had to make Joseph and Mary (Jesus’ parents) my support since I do not have much in the way of parental support. This wound has become apparent because I do feel if I did have the real love and guidance of real parents I would be able to stand a bit steadier. Right now, even after all this time I a still so wobbly. It makes me mad that I continually want to give up and given the opportunity I would. I know this kind of attitude worries so of my dearest friends, but this is how I feel. Each day I have to search for the smallest reason to live.