Monday, August 02, 2004
First off, I am doing a little better today than I have the last week. I know that much of my unhappiness is due to having to move John's dresser to make room for James' new roommate and this makes me have to face that John isn't on vacation, or away at college, or a summer job. Thank goodness for great support from people like Jackie who often helps me articulate what I am feeling. Since we run together three times a week she is stuck listening to most of my process. I do have a good friend Janet who is helping me find a grief specialist.
Yesterday's melt down was pretty much on the same vein as the disappearing dresser. John's health records are still filed at the main hospital. As long a the patient has periodic visits the medical record stays at the hospital. But if the patient does not have an "encounter" with the hospital after about 6 months the record is sent to storage. Now I know this is dumb, but when I am working at the hospital sometimes I go to medical records and visit John's chart. I like to look at John's signature and it some how makes me feel close to him. I know I could be fired for this, but I still do it. I figure I am not hurting anyone. As of tomorrow it will be 13 weeks since John died and almost 3 months. I have noticed some of the volumes have already left for storage and yesterday there were only the two last volumes on the shelf. What I am trying to say is that I really, I mean really do not want John's medical records go storage. To me this is as bad as putting John in storage. It has been suggested I steal the last two files, after all who will care? It is not like they will ever be needed again or added to. I think I am going to find out what legally I can do to get the records. If not...I'll see if the compulsion passes.
Laura (my sister) yesterday told me she looks at pictures of John as is waiting for a phone call from him saying, "Hey Auntie, lets go to the show." She says realistically she knows it won't happen, but she is having trouble accepting the reality that he will never call her again. I know what she means. Every time my phone rings I think for a second is it John calling from above? Like an episode on the Twilight Zone.
A couple great things happened this week. First of all the donor called and left me a message today! He was away on vacation and that is why he took so long to call me back. Hopefully between the busy lives we both have our paths will merge. Second, Dora the housekeeper in the ER gave me a lucky bamboo plant. She said I deserved some good fortune and luck. I was so touched by her sincerity. And last, I received an e-mail with an attachment that my friend Alex did on his radio show. He did a really lovely tribute to John. I really do not know what I would do (well yes I do and it has something to do with men in white coats) if I didn't have so many wonderful and willing people to continue helping me...not just when John was sick...but now when I think I need them even more.
Yesterday's melt down was pretty much on the same vein as the disappearing dresser. John's health records are still filed at the main hospital. As long a the patient has periodic visits the medical record stays at the hospital. But if the patient does not have an "encounter" with the hospital after about 6 months the record is sent to storage. Now I know this is dumb, but when I am working at the hospital sometimes I go to medical records and visit John's chart. I like to look at John's signature and it some how makes me feel close to him. I know I could be fired for this, but I still do it. I figure I am not hurting anyone. As of tomorrow it will be 13 weeks since John died and almost 3 months. I have noticed some of the volumes have already left for storage and yesterday there were only the two last volumes on the shelf. What I am trying to say is that I really, I mean really do not want John's medical records go storage. To me this is as bad as putting John in storage. It has been suggested I steal the last two files, after all who will care? It is not like they will ever be needed again or added to. I think I am going to find out what legally I can do to get the records. If not...I'll see if the compulsion passes.
Laura (my sister) yesterday told me she looks at pictures of John as is waiting for a phone call from him saying, "Hey Auntie, lets go to the show." She says realistically she knows it won't happen, but she is having trouble accepting the reality that he will never call her again. I know what she means. Every time my phone rings I think for a second is it John calling from above? Like an episode on the Twilight Zone.
A couple great things happened this week. First of all the donor called and left me a message today! He was away on vacation and that is why he took so long to call me back. Hopefully between the busy lives we both have our paths will merge. Second, Dora the housekeeper in the ER gave me a lucky bamboo plant. She said I deserved some good fortune and luck. I was so touched by her sincerity. And last, I received an e-mail with an attachment that my friend Alex did on his radio show. He did a really lovely tribute to John. I really do not know what I would do (well yes I do and it has something to do with men in white coats) if I didn't have so many wonderful and willing people to continue helping me...not just when John was sick...but now when I think I need them even more.
