Wednesday, September 01, 2004
I wrote yesterday about an experience with a person who gave me this very different type of massage that I found very helpful. I really do not understand what he did, it was not the kind of rub down massage most of us would think of, but when he was finished I did feel better and knew there was some sort of shift in my body. He said I would continue to feel the shift for a few days. I know that by fate the energy work coincides with Scott officially moving out with Alisa, but Sunday night I began to cry. At first I did what I usually do which is to talk myself out of it, but this time I decided to just let it happen. I think with the help of the grief counselor, the masseuse and Scott moving it created some type of harmonic convergence and I really let loose. I cried about John being ashes, about the cheat of him having such promise and talent and him being taken without fulfilling his promise. I cried about all the suffering he went through fighting his disease. I finally had to call my sister Aud, just so I could have some agreement I guess, or some contact that if I didn’t stop I had an ally who could take charge and get me help. All I know is it sure did make me tired, but I am also glad that I had the kind of cry that is a pin prick of the type of mourning that John deserves.
I am sure I have been working on many ideas coming together for the last 4 months, yes 4 months since John passed, but with the combination all the things I am doing, counseling, praying, meditation, to help make sense of this has helped me to understand a number of things. A couple weeks ago I was refusing to be angry about John dying. I really did not think I had anything or anyone to blame for John being gone. I couldn’t blame John, he didn’t ask for this, or God for that matter as I really do not think this is the way things work. But, as I have begin to feel again and recognize the angry feelings I realize that fate is a thing in the universe that is not something that can be changed. The effects of fate can be different, I believe mostly with the intervention if God. Think of fate as one of the Greek mythical Gods. For instance, since John and I got back from City of Hope, twice since he died my car has been hit and run 3 times. Little hits, but no note. I find this incredible annoying as it is a bother to have to get it fixed and expensive. I know at one point I looked up to the sky and asked God why if he had to take my son, why didn’t I get some kind of free pass at least for a while. Didn’t I deserve something for not shaking my fist and screaming about my precious baby having to endure cancer and then dying to boot? Then the epiphany: God had intervened and bargained with fate. For example, couldn’t it be true that perhaps I was suppose to have a major car accident and God said to Fate, “Would you cut her some slack, she just lost her son.” Or in the case of John, fate was going to allow John getting leukemia, but it was the intersession of God that allowed him to have the life he had: passion for cooking which made his life here on earth much easier, or God had interceded so the illness would not to be a series of inpatient stays with one infection after the other so at least while John was sick it wasn’t as horrendous as it could have been? As a result, today I understand fate is to blame here, and I can be mad at fate and grateful that I have had so much intervention and help from God. Mostly though I can be angry that fate took my child and I have to learn to live with it.
One way I have started learning to live with what fate has brought to my household is to each day try to find pre-cancer photographs, especially ones where the eyes are happy. I find most of them when the boys are younger. I think often I pick the photos with the younger boys for the reason that when I look at recent pictures of John it is not the cancer I see, because in some ways I have learned to love the cancer that gave me 2 ½ years of knowing and treasuring John, but that in the younger photos John can still keep growing older. The other day on my station at work I was looking at the latest picture I have of John, his high school graduation. This will be the oldest he gets on my station. No college graduation, no wedding, no family portrait with his wife and kids. By looking at him young, before cancer he can still age a few years older, and he did have happy eyes.
I am sure I have been working on many ideas coming together for the last 4 months, yes 4 months since John passed, but with the combination all the things I am doing, counseling, praying, meditation, to help make sense of this has helped me to understand a number of things. A couple weeks ago I was refusing to be angry about John dying. I really did not think I had anything or anyone to blame for John being gone. I couldn’t blame John, he didn’t ask for this, or God for that matter as I really do not think this is the way things work. But, as I have begin to feel again and recognize the angry feelings I realize that fate is a thing in the universe that is not something that can be changed. The effects of fate can be different, I believe mostly with the intervention if God. Think of fate as one of the Greek mythical Gods. For instance, since John and I got back from City of Hope, twice since he died my car has been hit and run 3 times. Little hits, but no note. I find this incredible annoying as it is a bother to have to get it fixed and expensive. I know at one point I looked up to the sky and asked God why if he had to take my son, why didn’t I get some kind of free pass at least for a while. Didn’t I deserve something for not shaking my fist and screaming about my precious baby having to endure cancer and then dying to boot? Then the epiphany: God had intervened and bargained with fate. For example, couldn’t it be true that perhaps I was suppose to have a major car accident and God said to Fate, “Would you cut her some slack, she just lost her son.” Or in the case of John, fate was going to allow John getting leukemia, but it was the intersession of God that allowed him to have the life he had: passion for cooking which made his life here on earth much easier, or God had interceded so the illness would not to be a series of inpatient stays with one infection after the other so at least while John was sick it wasn’t as horrendous as it could have been? As a result, today I understand fate is to blame here, and I can be mad at fate and grateful that I have had so much intervention and help from God. Mostly though I can be angry that fate took my child and I have to learn to live with it.
One way I have started learning to live with what fate has brought to my household is to each day try to find pre-cancer photographs, especially ones where the eyes are happy. I find most of them when the boys are younger. I think often I pick the photos with the younger boys for the reason that when I look at recent pictures of John it is not the cancer I see, because in some ways I have learned to love the cancer that gave me 2 ½ years of knowing and treasuring John, but that in the younger photos John can still keep growing older. The other day on my station at work I was looking at the latest picture I have of John, his high school graduation. This will be the oldest he gets on my station. No college graduation, no wedding, no family portrait with his wife and kids. By looking at him young, before cancer he can still age a few years older, and he did have happy eyes.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Most people know that I usually post a blog on Tuesday and I have found it very therapeutic. And I do have a bunch of things to say. But I am so tired tonight that I will work on posting tomorrow after work. Why you may ask am I so tired. It has been a roller coaster week that began with receiving a massage of some sort that was to help me unclog all the energy in my body. Well it certainly worked because I finally had a wing ding of a tantrum the other night, not any kind of tantrum, but the laying on my bed kicking my feet kind. So now I am tired and will go to bed.
