Thursday, July 19, 2007
Many new thoughts are coming together this morning, mostly for the better. First of all the Med-Mind doc has decided not to change or increase my meds, wants me to go see Sharon more often for a while as many things have come up the last few months that are compounded by grieving and therapy. Both seem to agree that I am not close to going crazy or being committed, that what I am feeling is what any person would feel, and this reassures me. I am only going once every other week with an extra session here or there and now I will commit not just the time and money (thanks for making it an easier decision J.K.). I am working really hard to now dwell on the mistakes I make and be easier on myself.
This morning while meditating I lit only John’s candle because I wanted to connect to him, I went back to his last breaths and instead of getting up off the bed as soon as Dr. Wolf checked that his pulse and heart rate were really gone, I laid there a while. I do regret getting up and being this brave dignified soldier. I do not even remember crying, just sitting there with the others making inane comments. I also went back and had quite the screaming fit. I pounded my chest and cried out. All things I wish I did, but did not. Will this make me feel better? Hope so because as time has gone on I frequently find myself imagining me body being cracked with my inner light escaping through and me screaming the most primeval screams on can imagine. Sometimes even my throat is constricted and tired it seems so real (I hope I am not doing this and not knowing, up and down Solano Avenue).
I am doing my best to stay faithful to my chosen God and religion. It is hard sometimes when something gets put in my path and then does not come to fruition. For example, a person told me about a Catholic practice called Plenary Indulgences. This is when one gets a blessing from a first year priest and does several faithful practices in eight days. Once completed the earth bound person can ask for a loved one in purgatory to get a “free out of jail” card. If that person is no longer in purgatory then they in turn can get someone they want stuck there to join them. So I have been on a quest to find a first year priest and was told about one, yet the person who said they would give me the information hasn’t and I am having a very hard time knowing this information and having no resources. And I feel so betrayed as this person knows as a devout Catholic how important it would be to have this opportunity to make sure John is out of purgatory (which I am sure he is there was not one reason for him to have to spend time there) but, why not then be positive and get a two for with this practice. I know I am willing to do the work. It is too complicated to really explain what this would mean to me.
So now off to life again.
This morning while meditating I lit only John’s candle because I wanted to connect to him, I went back to his last breaths and instead of getting up off the bed as soon as Dr. Wolf checked that his pulse and heart rate were really gone, I laid there a while. I do regret getting up and being this brave dignified soldier. I do not even remember crying, just sitting there with the others making inane comments. I also went back and had quite the screaming fit. I pounded my chest and cried out. All things I wish I did, but did not. Will this make me feel better? Hope so because as time has gone on I frequently find myself imagining me body being cracked with my inner light escaping through and me screaming the most primeval screams on can imagine. Sometimes even my throat is constricted and tired it seems so real (I hope I am not doing this and not knowing, up and down Solano Avenue).
I am doing my best to stay faithful to my chosen God and religion. It is hard sometimes when something gets put in my path and then does not come to fruition. For example, a person told me about a Catholic practice called Plenary Indulgences. This is when one gets a blessing from a first year priest and does several faithful practices in eight days. Once completed the earth bound person can ask for a loved one in purgatory to get a “free out of jail” card. If that person is no longer in purgatory then they in turn can get someone they want stuck there to join them. So I have been on a quest to find a first year priest and was told about one, yet the person who said they would give me the information hasn’t and I am having a very hard time knowing this information and having no resources. And I feel so betrayed as this person knows as a devout Catholic how important it would be to have this opportunity to make sure John is out of purgatory (which I am sure he is there was not one reason for him to have to spend time there) but, why not then be positive and get a two for with this practice. I know I am willing to do the work. It is too complicated to really explain what this would mean to me.
So now off to life again.
