Wednesday, April 29, 2009
5 YEARS LATER:
Yes it has been 5 years since John took his last breath. It still feels so fresh. I still miss him terrible and wish I could have him sitting on the end of my bed watching The Simpson’s again. Life just will never be the same. So much has changed in 5 years, but the last 3 since Scott went to the East Coast have really been the hardest. It is like the wind is no longer in my sails and I am drifting through life. I know many “empty nest” parents know exactly how I feel. It just feels worse since I also had the rug pulled out from under me having John get sick and die. I changed my entire life for my children. I know they saved me from many years of self imposed misery making so many bad choices. Having Scott I made the decision to always put my children first. I did make many mistakes raising the boys, just ask Scott. There were times I yelled when I was not in control, and Scott still looks at the place my finger nails dug into his arm ask I pulled both boys from Capwell’s after they knocked down a rack of clothes. I know I was wrong, but with each mistake I learned, and then in turn became a better Mother. Mostly I just loved my boys so much. Still do. They gave me much more joy with a smile than they did grief. I was very lucky to have such good kids.
Scott has finished Law School and is a lawyer. M. Scott Baker Sanchez JD (jurist doctor)! Funny I feel very close to Scott, but I really do not know what is going on in is life, as it should be. He is almost 30 years old. How much did you include your mother at 30? So the distance feels natural, but I know he loves me and he knows I love him so much.
Recently many folks have been worried about my stability. I am fine. Am I happy? Yes at times. I still laugh a lot. I still have my sense of humor. I still run (well most of the time) with Jackie. I have lost some motivation, but also believe this tiredness is a natural progression of aging. I do hope sometime soon with the help of my therapist I do find life worth living fully, right now I a just living life.
Yes it has been 5 years since John took his last breath. It still feels so fresh. I still miss him terrible and wish I could have him sitting on the end of my bed watching The Simpson’s again. Life just will never be the same. So much has changed in 5 years, but the last 3 since Scott went to the East Coast have really been the hardest. It is like the wind is no longer in my sails and I am drifting through life. I know many “empty nest” parents know exactly how I feel. It just feels worse since I also had the rug pulled out from under me having John get sick and die. I changed my entire life for my children. I know they saved me from many years of self imposed misery making so many bad choices. Having Scott I made the decision to always put my children first. I did make many mistakes raising the boys, just ask Scott. There were times I yelled when I was not in control, and Scott still looks at the place my finger nails dug into his arm ask I pulled both boys from Capwell’s after they knocked down a rack of clothes. I know I was wrong, but with each mistake I learned, and then in turn became a better Mother. Mostly I just loved my boys so much. Still do. They gave me much more joy with a smile than they did grief. I was very lucky to have such good kids.
Scott has finished Law School and is a lawyer. M. Scott Baker Sanchez JD (jurist doctor)! Funny I feel very close to Scott, but I really do not know what is going on in is life, as it should be. He is almost 30 years old. How much did you include your mother at 30? So the distance feels natural, but I know he loves me and he knows I love him so much.
Recently many folks have been worried about my stability. I am fine. Am I happy? Yes at times. I still laugh a lot. I still have my sense of humor. I still run (well most of the time) with Jackie. I have lost some motivation, but also believe this tiredness is a natural progression of aging. I do hope sometime soon with the help of my therapist I do find life worth living fully, right now I a just living life.
