Thursday, August 23, 2007
The last few weeks have been eventful even happy…but then reality steps in and I feel myself curling up into a ball and wanting to make it all go away. This morning it feels like too much work to do all the things I expect from myself. It started last Thursday when I went to the doctor and realized I did not have any fight left in me…I was a few minutes late, they had me wait, and I gave up. I did not and do not care if I find out what is causing any discomfort or infection. I talked to my therapist about it, told her this is so minor compared to real medical issues and really what I want to do is ignore it and make it go away. I do feel deep down that the episodes of swollen lymph nodes, and subsequent infections are just a stress related reaction. It did not start until after John died…and I just do not have the energy to deal with it. I know this frustrates the people, who care, but they do not understand how hard it is to fight for myself…and when I do…I stop being the good patient I want to be perceived as and then fall apart. The medical system took so much of my innate fighting spirit. Often I see injustice and do nothing. Before I would write letters, now I just give up. So many things are not worth fighting for anymore, life is too short for this kind of hassle.
In the mean time any criticism crushes my life force. I perceive what is not there and I do not know how to discern my reality to what is truth. On the other hand isn’t that what we all do?
Been having dreams about the boys. Scott not answering his cell phone and when it does answer it is John speaking. Sometimes the animal I look to for signs of John are stripped of their protection. Tonio and I had lunch and I asked him what did this mean? He said it is two fold, that I am worried John is being stripped away and I am letting go of my hard skin, but as I do is distresses me and hurts. Tonio is having treatment again. Each time it is harder for him to recover.
In the mean time any criticism crushes my life force. I perceive what is not there and I do not know how to discern my reality to what is truth. On the other hand isn’t that what we all do?
Been having dreams about the boys. Scott not answering his cell phone and when it does answer it is John speaking. Sometimes the animal I look to for signs of John are stripped of their protection. Tonio and I had lunch and I asked him what did this mean? He said it is two fold, that I am worried John is being stripped away and I am letting go of my hard skin, but as I do is distresses me and hurts. Tonio is having treatment again. Each time it is harder for him to recover.
