Thursday, November 04, 2004
SIX LONG MONTHS. It has been six long months today since John was taken by his illness. Yet it is still fresh in my memory. I am not sure if this is what the living do to torture themselves for living while the one we love is no longer here or if it is the only way to keep the person alive even seeing them as they die. I do linger on the last day of John's life wondering what I should of said. Did I comfort him enough? When John was being wheeled to Interventional Radiology to have the dialysis port inserted I remeber his crying a bit admitting he was scared and all I could do was tell him all would be okay. That somehow we would get him through this. Did I believe this? Oh yes I did. I knew we were in trouble, but not once did it cross my mind that the end was near. I was thinking of John's wishes not to gather a vigil because that would make John think he was dying. I was thinking how John and I would fit temporary (yes I did think the kidney failure would reverse itself) dialysis treatments into his busy out patient schedule. Was I delusional. No. I needed not only to believe for me, I needed to believe for John. He did not need me freaking out...beside I have had SIX LONG MONTHS to do that.
Funny thing is for some reason May 4 meant something to John. John was conceived on May 4, he died on May 4, and recently I discovered written in the front of our old family bible that John had his "spiritual birthday" May 4. They all add up to 9 which if you total his date of birth February 25 (2/25) it is also 9, which is a divine number.
I am trying very hard not to cross the line into insanity, sometimes I think it is near, but know I will some how hold out for my family, loved ones and clients. Mostly I need to hold out crossing the line for Scott. He has enough on his plate he doesn't need an insane Mother too. I do know after all this time however that the numbness has totally warn off, it is harder to keep it together and each day I thank God that I have such a wonderful support system who are honest enough to let we know when I am teetering too close to the line.
Funny thing is for some reason May 4 meant something to John. John was conceived on May 4, he died on May 4, and recently I discovered written in the front of our old family bible that John had his "spiritual birthday" May 4. They all add up to 9 which if you total his date of birth February 25 (2/25) it is also 9, which is a divine number.
I am trying very hard not to cross the line into insanity, sometimes I think it is near, but know I will some how hold out for my family, loved ones and clients. Mostly I need to hold out crossing the line for Scott. He has enough on his plate he doesn't need an insane Mother too. I do know after all this time however that the numbness has totally warn off, it is harder to keep it together and each day I thank God that I have such a wonderful support system who are honest enough to let we know when I am teetering too close to the line.
