Thursday, December 28, 2006
Today I went to a meditation friend to get grounded for the New Year. One of the things she suggested was for me to write to Jesus. My life has been a bit of a mess, mostly because God felt it was a good time to introduce me to someone (M) that would shake my already shaky existence and bring to surface feelings I did not want to admit, mostly even though I stay fairly positive and independent that I would actually like to have some companionship. God, I guess decided to let fate and my bad radar take its course and in the end I can say two good things have been accomplished, one I have begun to cry in public often unprompted and I did lose 10 pounds I have been praying to get some help with. Actually, mostly what has been accomplished is the realization I am very broken, not just because of John, but life has worn me out. Tonight after going to see Jesus Christ Superstar (which I might say has many inaccuracies and Ted Neely is just plain too old to play a 33 year old Jesus) I went and had some tortilla soup (thanks again August) and decided to take my friends advice and write to J.C. I am not sure why I am compelled to share such personal thoughts, perhaps because I want someone else to share my pain, but also perhaps by chance it may help someone else to learn from all the errors in my life.
Dr. J.C.
What kind of crap is your father handing me? What have I done so wrong to have M get the confidence he needed to move on at my expense? Now after needing me and fighting this need he now needs space??? I know I told your Dad in prayer that I would ‘drink the cup” and do his will, but lets face it that was a line of s**t. It is the same crappy line I gave John to go ahead and go, I would be okay without him. I am so tired of being a good sport. You know and I know I really do not want to end the possibility of friendship and dating, I only prayed that because I was being the good sport your Dad has expected of me. I have to admit I am really tired of going along with the program. What about me? Isn’t there any type of happiness I can count on? Lets face it, just as I became happy feeling a little complete and hopeful of a future with Bowman and John gets cancer—a complete betrayal of my life and to make matters worse—HE DIES! Kind of put a damper in the happiness file. Then finally my friend J.C.; I begin to accept my fate—okay—fate the costume of a mom with on dead child, an anxiety disorder that requires meds and one son whose eyes often show the worry he is the only one left to take care of good ol’ mom. Then just as I begin to feel I can do this you know what your Dad does? He sends M just in time to make sure my holidays are full of daggers and confusion hitting my heart. Great. Hope Dad is happy J.C. What fate did he intercept for me this time? My own cancer? Please tell your father frankly I can handle cancer, what I have trouble handling is my bleeding finger nails barely holding on to the edge. Please tell your father to cut me some slack.
Your friend Becca.
PS Please let John know I am sorry for the cigarettes and that I will look for more blessings tomorrow.
Dr. J.C.
What kind of crap is your father handing me? What have I done so wrong to have M get the confidence he needed to move on at my expense? Now after needing me and fighting this need he now needs space??? I know I told your Dad in prayer that I would ‘drink the cup” and do his will, but lets face it that was a line of s**t. It is the same crappy line I gave John to go ahead and go, I would be okay without him. I am so tired of being a good sport. You know and I know I really do not want to end the possibility of friendship and dating, I only prayed that because I was being the good sport your Dad has expected of me. I have to admit I am really tired of going along with the program. What about me? Isn’t there any type of happiness I can count on? Lets face it, just as I became happy feeling a little complete and hopeful of a future with Bowman and John gets cancer—a complete betrayal of my life and to make matters worse—HE DIES! Kind of put a damper in the happiness file. Then finally my friend J.C.; I begin to accept my fate—okay—fate the costume of a mom with on dead child, an anxiety disorder that requires meds and one son whose eyes often show the worry he is the only one left to take care of good ol’ mom. Then just as I begin to feel I can do this you know what your Dad does? He sends M just in time to make sure my holidays are full of daggers and confusion hitting my heart. Great. Hope Dad is happy J.C. What fate did he intercept for me this time? My own cancer? Please tell your father frankly I can handle cancer, what I have trouble handling is my bleeding finger nails barely holding on to the edge. Please tell your father to cut me some slack.
Your friend Becca.
PS Please let John know I am sorry for the cigarettes and that I will look for more blessings tomorrow.
