Monday, August 09, 2004
This week overall has been better for those of you worrying about me. Thank you for the concern, but I really feel like writing an occasional blog is very cathartic for me (especially when Tuesday rolls around again). This is one place I feel like I can say what I want and need without worry about my grammar or what I am saying. There was a set back this week, but one night of set back instead of 7 nights of set backs is good. I do know that since I have pulled completely out from the duplex I feel a huge sense of relief. I do have to go back one more time as I remembered I forgot John's mini chopper...sometimes I think I can live without it and want to leave it, then suddenly I miss it. I will wait until James is back however to retrieve it so I don't have to bug the new roommate again. Besides as most know the chances of me chopping anything soon is remote, but I think it will be comforting to have it on my shelf.
Friday evening Jen came by to let me know that my friend Rob died. Rob was originally Jen's ex-husbands law partner. Rob began coming to me for his hair cut every 5 to 6 weeks for the past 18 years. Rob about 5 years ago was diagnosed with prostate cancer that never was cured, but really slowed down until about a year ago when it was discovered not only was it active again, but had metastasized to his bones and lungs. I once asked Rob if he wanted me to come to him for his hair cut as the chemo he was on was really beginning to make him tired and he said, “the cancer will win if I let you do that”. Well this week the cancer won against another good person who didn't deserve to be sick--ever. Rob was really one of those stand out guys who honored with wife and children. The only thing I can say that is a blessing with Rob's passing is that he was visiting his favorite spot in Wisconsin on vacation with his wife Linda and his two grown daughters. I know that his death has come as a complete surprise to every one. Even though when I asked if the chemo treatments were going to cure him and he responded by telling me that there would be no cure, I still had faith that some how some way Rob would beat his cancer. About a year ago, Rob went to Africa and brought me back worry beads strung together in the shape of a crocodile. He did not know that a few days before John came home with a little plastic alligator that was on my left on the dashboard of my car. For over a year now the two animals have been on opposite ends of the windshield. Today they are together, much like I hope they have found each other in the next realm of existence.
I always thought the next time I was informed of a loved ones passing, that somehow all the feelings and sadness I have piled up with John’s death would explode. After hearing about Rob, I couldn’t even muster up one tear. I sat there numb with my mouth open, sad but absolutely no tears. I soon went to bed and about a half hour later I woke up because I was holding my breath and not breathing. Consciously I seem to not be able to deal with enormity of John and Rob’s death, but once the guard is let down the reality of them being gone is so great that I cannot even continue to breathe. Today is 14 weeks. The anticipation begins on Monday night, that another week has passed. It is going too fast. Before I know it 6 months will have passed my fear is that I should be further in dealing with John leaving. The fact is I have not really dealt with it at all. I keep trying to have the wailing I feel I need to get on with it, but it still refuses to surface.
I received a letter yesterday from my sister in law Laura. She said at times she is afraid to say what she feels for fear it is the wrong thing. I do not think there is much wrong a person can say. Occasionally I have the comment, ‘well at least you had warning’, which is in some way true, but I really didn’t since I truly believed that God would work some sort of miracle and cure John of his disease. I guess you could say that I had warning with Rob, but it is like in the movie Terms of Endearment when Shirley McClaine sees her daughter take her last breath and cries out and says something like, “I thought I was ready, I thought I would feel relief and I don’t”. One is never prepared, and never feels the relief when the person is as vibrant and alive as Rob and John were. Jen said Rob called her from Wisconsin to let her know that he would be back and made a lunch date with her in September. He has a hair cut appointment with me in a couple weeks. Does that sound like a person who is prepared to die? I know in my heart even with all the struggles I still have with agreeing to make John comfortable as the medical term “extremis exsanguinating” was happening to him that I still can picture John holding on with both arms wound tightly around his earthly body as the angels of death pulled him away. John had plans and so did Rob.
The other bone headed thing that has been said is at least I have another son. I know most the time when someone says that they just are at a loss for words and are generally uncomfortable with silence of any kind. I do believe we can have silence, sit with a person and share space and time with them without talking, but there are many people who cannot and they are usually the ones who say the bone headed stuff. Scott will never replace John and John will never replace Scott. It is completely unexplainable what I feel for each of my children. I just know one is not replaceable for the other. I would rather hear nothing than hear words of comfort that at least I have another child.
I know this blog is getting long, but wanted to share that Jen has a rose in her garden that has on big bud surrounded on the same actual bud with three smaller roses. It is spectacular. Jen has taken John’s gas barbeque. Jen usually isn’t as careful with outdoor equipment as she should and often John would tell her about it. Since taking the barbeque Jen promised John she would take care of it, cleaning it, covering it, as a way of honoring John and hoping he would channel some of his good barbeque mojo to her. Since that promise, the black chef hat Jen brought back from Spain (the one John is wearing on the main page) appeared in John’s old closet (even though it was thoroughly cleaned out) and now the spectacular rose. I think John definitely approves of the way Jen is taking care of the barbeque. Also the food tastes better!
Friday evening Jen came by to let me know that my friend Rob died. Rob was originally Jen's ex-husbands law partner. Rob began coming to me for his hair cut every 5 to 6 weeks for the past 18 years. Rob about 5 years ago was diagnosed with prostate cancer that never was cured, but really slowed down until about a year ago when it was discovered not only was it active again, but had metastasized to his bones and lungs. I once asked Rob if he wanted me to come to him for his hair cut as the chemo he was on was really beginning to make him tired and he said, “the cancer will win if I let you do that”. Well this week the cancer won against another good person who didn't deserve to be sick--ever. Rob was really one of those stand out guys who honored with wife and children. The only thing I can say that is a blessing with Rob's passing is that he was visiting his favorite spot in Wisconsin on vacation with his wife Linda and his two grown daughters. I know that his death has come as a complete surprise to every one. Even though when I asked if the chemo treatments were going to cure him and he responded by telling me that there would be no cure, I still had faith that some how some way Rob would beat his cancer. About a year ago, Rob went to Africa and brought me back worry beads strung together in the shape of a crocodile. He did not know that a few days before John came home with a little plastic alligator that was on my left on the dashboard of my car. For over a year now the two animals have been on opposite ends of the windshield. Today they are together, much like I hope they have found each other in the next realm of existence.
I always thought the next time I was informed of a loved ones passing, that somehow all the feelings and sadness I have piled up with John’s death would explode. After hearing about Rob, I couldn’t even muster up one tear. I sat there numb with my mouth open, sad but absolutely no tears. I soon went to bed and about a half hour later I woke up because I was holding my breath and not breathing. Consciously I seem to not be able to deal with enormity of John and Rob’s death, but once the guard is let down the reality of them being gone is so great that I cannot even continue to breathe. Today is 14 weeks. The anticipation begins on Monday night, that another week has passed. It is going too fast. Before I know it 6 months will have passed my fear is that I should be further in dealing with John leaving. The fact is I have not really dealt with it at all. I keep trying to have the wailing I feel I need to get on with it, but it still refuses to surface.
I received a letter yesterday from my sister in law Laura. She said at times she is afraid to say what she feels for fear it is the wrong thing. I do not think there is much wrong a person can say. Occasionally I have the comment, ‘well at least you had warning’, which is in some way true, but I really didn’t since I truly believed that God would work some sort of miracle and cure John of his disease. I guess you could say that I had warning with Rob, but it is like in the movie Terms of Endearment when Shirley McClaine sees her daughter take her last breath and cries out and says something like, “I thought I was ready, I thought I would feel relief and I don’t”. One is never prepared, and never feels the relief when the person is as vibrant and alive as Rob and John were. Jen said Rob called her from Wisconsin to let her know that he would be back and made a lunch date with her in September. He has a hair cut appointment with me in a couple weeks. Does that sound like a person who is prepared to die? I know in my heart even with all the struggles I still have with agreeing to make John comfortable as the medical term “extremis exsanguinating” was happening to him that I still can picture John holding on with both arms wound tightly around his earthly body as the angels of death pulled him away. John had plans and so did Rob.
The other bone headed thing that has been said is at least I have another son. I know most the time when someone says that they just are at a loss for words and are generally uncomfortable with silence of any kind. I do believe we can have silence, sit with a person and share space and time with them without talking, but there are many people who cannot and they are usually the ones who say the bone headed stuff. Scott will never replace John and John will never replace Scott. It is completely unexplainable what I feel for each of my children. I just know one is not replaceable for the other. I would rather hear nothing than hear words of comfort that at least I have another child.
I know this blog is getting long, but wanted to share that Jen has a rose in her garden that has on big bud surrounded on the same actual bud with three smaller roses. It is spectacular. Jen has taken John’s gas barbeque. Jen usually isn’t as careful with outdoor equipment as she should and often John would tell her about it. Since taking the barbeque Jen promised John she would take care of it, cleaning it, covering it, as a way of honoring John and hoping he would channel some of his good barbeque mojo to her. Since that promise, the black chef hat Jen brought back from Spain (the one John is wearing on the main page) appeared in John’s old closet (even though it was thoroughly cleaned out) and now the spectacular rose. I think John definitely approves of the way Jen is taking care of the barbeque. Also the food tastes better!
