Sunday, December 19, 2004
I know it has been a while since I have written, but mostly the way my grief and depression has manifested itself is in the form of sleeping. If given the chance I am in bed by 8:00 and reluctantly wake up. Some mornings if I have nothing scheduled I will lie in bed and sleep until 9:00. Last Tuesday I managed to stay in my PJ’s until 2:30 getting dressed only because I needed to meet my women’s group. I know that I am anticipating many rollercoaster emotions during the next week, but often what happens when the day rolls by (Christmas etc.) I feel just a crummy as I always do. I cannot even really explain the depth of the crummy feelings as I do feel I am functioning fairly well, but I have this weight in my belly that never goes away.
Not only am I dealing with the loss of John, I finally figured out why I am missing Dr. Wolf, the Cancer Center and 4 NE people so much too. I was taking the shuttle to work the other day and part of the route is swinging by to pick up passengers at CC. As we rounded the valet lot which John and I did hundreds of times I began to tear up and understood that I miss all of them because if I was seeing them regularly John would still be here. I don’t mean that I don’t miss Gretchen, Siobhan or any of the others people we grew to love, but mostly they represent a life to me that went away. This life also included having to learn to live alone for the first time in my life. I actually do not mind the alone time, but do mind what it means. I can only hope that as Scott complained recently that I call him an awful lot, that I would have split the phone calls evenly and not be so annoying for him if John was living up the street.
One thing I have is Nemo. This cat has become such a comfort to me. He often sits on my lap as he is now while I am typing this blog and any opportunity when Nico isn’t around demands my attention. He really is a metamorphous of John, my cuddly child. John always sat near me and demanded many more hugs a kisses than Scott. This does not mean that John was loved more than Scott, just different personality styles.
I did have a dream last night the boys we at family camp, both younger or at least when I found John he was younger. He was off playing with a kid, covered head to toe in dirt. At first I wanted to grab him and pull him up to hug and cover him with kisses, and then because he was with his friend I didn’t want to embarrass him. But as most dreams go the next thing I knew is we were laying on the camp cot my arm wrapped around is shoulder and he was showing my how the remote control worked to get the movie channels on the camp TV. I recognized that John was just as happy to spend those few minutes with me, just as happy to lie down next to me and cuddle. Man o Man what I wouldn’t do for a few minutes of cuddle time with John. But in a way I did since the dream felt so real...I could actually smell and feel John's soft cheek on my arm.
This week I got an e-mail from one of John’s classmates. She had Aplastic Anemia, a rare blood disorder where the bone marrow stops making red blood cells. She wrote to let me know how important her mother was to her as she went through her bone marrow transplant last year. How her Mom would sit for endless hours quiet, just there for comfort. It was really nice to get that message.
Not only am I dealing with the loss of John, I finally figured out why I am missing Dr. Wolf, the Cancer Center and 4 NE people so much too. I was taking the shuttle to work the other day and part of the route is swinging by to pick up passengers at CC. As we rounded the valet lot which John and I did hundreds of times I began to tear up and understood that I miss all of them because if I was seeing them regularly John would still be here. I don’t mean that I don’t miss Gretchen, Siobhan or any of the others people we grew to love, but mostly they represent a life to me that went away. This life also included having to learn to live alone for the first time in my life. I actually do not mind the alone time, but do mind what it means. I can only hope that as Scott complained recently that I call him an awful lot, that I would have split the phone calls evenly and not be so annoying for him if John was living up the street.
One thing I have is Nemo. This cat has become such a comfort to me. He often sits on my lap as he is now while I am typing this blog and any opportunity when Nico isn’t around demands my attention. He really is a metamorphous of John, my cuddly child. John always sat near me and demanded many more hugs a kisses than Scott. This does not mean that John was loved more than Scott, just different personality styles.
I did have a dream last night the boys we at family camp, both younger or at least when I found John he was younger. He was off playing with a kid, covered head to toe in dirt. At first I wanted to grab him and pull him up to hug and cover him with kisses, and then because he was with his friend I didn’t want to embarrass him. But as most dreams go the next thing I knew is we were laying on the camp cot my arm wrapped around is shoulder and he was showing my how the remote control worked to get the movie channels on the camp TV. I recognized that John was just as happy to spend those few minutes with me, just as happy to lie down next to me and cuddle. Man o Man what I wouldn’t do for a few minutes of cuddle time with John. But in a way I did since the dream felt so real...I could actually smell and feel John's soft cheek on my arm.
This week I got an e-mail from one of John’s classmates. She had Aplastic Anemia, a rare blood disorder where the bone marrow stops making red blood cells. She wrote to let me know how important her mother was to her as she went through her bone marrow transplant last year. How her Mom would sit for endless hours quiet, just there for comfort. It was really nice to get that message.
