Friday, October 29, 2004
This week we had an upsetting event occur. Alisa, Scott’s girlfriend was robbed at gun point by two young chicken “poops” as she was walking home from Bart. What this has brought up for Scott and I is why God allows bad things to happen to good people? Neither of us can comprehend why Alisa who is one of the gentle creatures would have to be subjected to such terror in her life or why John had to die. The worst thing is that I cannot find one bit of compassion for the punks, no understanding what drives them to rob innocent people, but instead have been sending horrible curses their direction. I know the over empathizing I am feeling has much to do with my process of grief, but do I really need to wish physically debilitating illness (mind you not death, just life long pain) to these low life’s? Scott made the comment on how fair is it that God allows this kind of people while John who also never hurt or menaced anyone had to die. I only hope that these feeling resolve as I feel the hatred poisoning both of us.
I did have an incredible weekend in Sea Ranch. This particular stretch in the California coast line is gorgeous. I went for long walks on the cliffs in perfect weather. I did have an experience driving up the coast in pitch black with rain and fog. As I turned right onto Highway 1 on at Bodega Bay a semi-truck was in front of me. This is the oxymoron between what God does great and doesn’t do at all. This truck led me up the coast where it is all hair pin turns and cliffs. At times through the fog and rain this truck seemed more like a floating phantom guiding me safely to my destination. When I arrived at the house in Sea Ranch I was so full of the spirit of gratefulness for God’s love of me and John’s intersession to keep me safe. Then I come home and cannot understand how God allows Alisa to be robbed. I do know that spending time by my self is healing, but at the end the thoughts and snap shot of John’s last few minutes still invaded me. Sometimes what happens is I will have a repetitive vision and it will not go away. This week it is John nodding that he was aware that Scott was there moments before he stopped breathing. Last week it was seeing him lying in the card board box carefully covered in sheets by the mortuary staff before he was taken to be cremated. I am told that these memories will fade, but they are still a fresh as if they happen yesterday.
Even though I have made arrangements to visit the cancer specialist psychiatrist I am feeling a little bit more connected to my body this week. This is good since I feel my clients have suffered a bit. My friends and family have been very lenient with my moodiness. Now of course I am thinking I should not have to medicate myself, but I know logically this will be for the best. I did decorate a little bit the house for Halloween. I do this in honor of the boys since both predicted I would abandon all holiday décor when they left the nest. But ha-ha I have fooled them and put a glow in the dark skeleton and suction cup bats on my front door to welcome the trick or treaters. I figure I will do this at least this year will do more in order to get me through the holiday season.
I did have an incredible weekend in Sea Ranch. This particular stretch in the California coast line is gorgeous. I went for long walks on the cliffs in perfect weather. I did have an experience driving up the coast in pitch black with rain and fog. As I turned right onto Highway 1 on at Bodega Bay a semi-truck was in front of me. This is the oxymoron between what God does great and doesn’t do at all. This truck led me up the coast where it is all hair pin turns and cliffs. At times through the fog and rain this truck seemed more like a floating phantom guiding me safely to my destination. When I arrived at the house in Sea Ranch I was so full of the spirit of gratefulness for God’s love of me and John’s intersession to keep me safe. Then I come home and cannot understand how God allows Alisa to be robbed. I do know that spending time by my self is healing, but at the end the thoughts and snap shot of John’s last few minutes still invaded me. Sometimes what happens is I will have a repetitive vision and it will not go away. This week it is John nodding that he was aware that Scott was there moments before he stopped breathing. Last week it was seeing him lying in the card board box carefully covered in sheets by the mortuary staff before he was taken to be cremated. I am told that these memories will fade, but they are still a fresh as if they happen yesterday.
Even though I have made arrangements to visit the cancer specialist psychiatrist I am feeling a little bit more connected to my body this week. This is good since I feel my clients have suffered a bit. My friends and family have been very lenient with my moodiness. Now of course I am thinking I should not have to medicate myself, but I know logically this will be for the best. I did decorate a little bit the house for Halloween. I do this in honor of the boys since both predicted I would abandon all holiday décor when they left the nest. But ha-ha I have fooled them and put a glow in the dark skeleton and suction cup bats on my front door to welcome the trick or treaters. I figure I will do this at least this year will do more in order to get me through the holiday season.
