Sunday, November 05, 2006
I have become a world traveler, well sort of. I went to Spain with Jackie and Tricia, had a nice time. Why would I even bother to write this on the blog? Is it to let you know life goes on…'cause it really still doesn’t? I write because I had what I know was a full visit from John when I was in Spain. Not just his voice, not as a child (which I still treasure beyond comprehension), but all of John being and flesh.
As usual with my dreams of John I am often looking for him, crying, running through streets or an old home. This time I arrived at Tresses and there was John with 3 or 4 of his friends. They are all young men about his age, and happy. No I do not recognize them because they are John’s new cronies. John’s air about him was confidence and pride. It reminded me of when a kid graduates from school and they are standing a little taller. John looked so healthy and happy. He was chuckling because I was crying and he put his arm around be and said, “Hey this is my Mom.” He was kind of rolling his eyes as if to tell the other guys, ‘see I told you she would be like this’, but he was proud that I was so emotional, loving and missing him. His arm around me felt real and comforting. Even though I knew he was no longer of my world and his friends were with him he was with me for those brief seconds.
It is hard to describe the feelings, the facial expressions and interactions, I just know it is as real as when the woman who brought me spirit John and he put his head on my lap shortly after he died.
It does raise many emotions, since I was glad to see him well, happy, confident, but I still want him here. I still feel incredibly sad and can pull up the memory of John’s last breath, am transported back to those moments. I am still having trouble with not being confused, or as Jackie points out, ‘not being able to see the big picture’, anymore. I have thought about this as many things have changed the last few years, my inability to tell my left from my right, getting lost, starting many small things at the same time or how long it takes me to do everything. I have been stopping to see what my unconscious thoughts are when I find myself in the throws of spinning and mostly I notice I cannot do big picture things right now since my life is about putting one foot in front of the other in order to not fall off the edge.
As usual with my dreams of John I am often looking for him, crying, running through streets or an old home. This time I arrived at Tresses and there was John with 3 or 4 of his friends. They are all young men about his age, and happy. No I do not recognize them because they are John’s new cronies. John’s air about him was confidence and pride. It reminded me of when a kid graduates from school and they are standing a little taller. John looked so healthy and happy. He was chuckling because I was crying and he put his arm around be and said, “Hey this is my Mom.” He was kind of rolling his eyes as if to tell the other guys, ‘see I told you she would be like this’, but he was proud that I was so emotional, loving and missing him. His arm around me felt real and comforting. Even though I knew he was no longer of my world and his friends were with him he was with me for those brief seconds.
It is hard to describe the feelings, the facial expressions and interactions, I just know it is as real as when the woman who brought me spirit John and he put his head on my lap shortly after he died.
It does raise many emotions, since I was glad to see him well, happy, confident, but I still want him here. I still feel incredibly sad and can pull up the memory of John’s last breath, am transported back to those moments. I am still having trouble with not being confused, or as Jackie points out, ‘not being able to see the big picture’, anymore. I have thought about this as many things have changed the last few years, my inability to tell my left from my right, getting lost, starting many small things at the same time or how long it takes me to do everything. I have been stopping to see what my unconscious thoughts are when I find myself in the throws of spinning and mostly I notice I cannot do big picture things right now since my life is about putting one foot in front of the other in order to not fall off the edge.
I have become a world traveler, well sort of. I went to Spain with Jackie and Tricia, had a nice time. Why would I even bother to write this on the blog? Is it to let you know life goes on…'cause it really still doesn’t? I write because I had what I know was a full visit from John when I was in Spain. Not just his voice, not as a child (which I still treasure beyond comprehension), but all of John being and flesh.
As usual with my dreams of John I am often looking for him, crying, running through streets or an old home. This time I arrived at Tresses and there was John with 3 or 4 of his friends. They are all young men about his age, and happy. No I do not recognize them because they are John’s new cronies. John’s air about him was confidence and pride. It reminded me of when a kid graduates from school and they are standing a little taller. John looked so healthy and happy. He was chuckling because I was crying and he put his arm around be and said, “Hey this is my Mom.” He was kind of rolling his eyes as if to tell the other guys, ‘see I told you she would be like this’, but he was proud that I was so emotional, loving and missing him. His arm around me felt real and comforting. Even though I knew he was no longer of my world and his friends were with him he was with me for those brief seconds.
It is hard to describe the feelings, the facial expressions and interactions, I just know it is as real as when the woman who brought me spirit John and he put his head on my lap shortly after he died.
It does raise many emotions, since I was glad to see him well, happy, confident, but I still want him here. I still feel incredibly sad and can pull up the memory of John’s last breath, am transported back to those moments. I am still having trouble with not being confused, or as Jackie points out, ‘not being able to see the big picture’, anymore. I have thought about this as many things have changed the last few years, my inability to tell my left from my right, getting lost, starting many small things at the same time or how long it takes me to do everything. I have been stopping to see what my unconscious thoughts are when I find myself in the throws of spinning and mostly I notice I cannot do big picture things right now since my life is about putting one foot in front of the other in order to not fall off the edge.
As usual with my dreams of John I am often looking for him, crying, running through streets or an old home. This time I arrived at Tresses and there was John with 3 or 4 of his friends. They are all young men about his age, and happy. No I do not recognize them because they are John’s new cronies. John’s air about him was confidence and pride. It reminded me of when a kid graduates from school and they are standing a little taller. John looked so healthy and happy. He was chuckling because I was crying and he put his arm around be and said, “Hey this is my Mom.” He was kind of rolling his eyes as if to tell the other guys, ‘see I told you she would be like this’, but he was proud that I was so emotional, loving and missing him. His arm around me felt real and comforting. Even though I knew he was no longer of my world and his friends were with him he was with me for those brief seconds.
It is hard to describe the feelings, the facial expressions and interactions, I just know it is as real as when the woman who brought me spirit John and he put his head on my lap shortly after he died.
It does raise many emotions, since I was glad to see him well, happy, confident, but I still want him here. I still feel incredibly sad and can pull up the memory of John’s last breath, am transported back to those moments. I am still having trouble with not being confused, or as Jackie points out, ‘not being able to see the big picture’, anymore. I have thought about this as many things have changed the last few years, my inability to tell my left from my right, getting lost, starting many small things at the same time or how long it takes me to do everything. I have been stopping to see what my unconscious thoughts are when I find myself in the throws of spinning and mostly I notice I cannot do big picture things right now since my life is about putting one foot in front of the other in order to not fall off the edge.
