Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Five years ago John came home with what I thought was the flu. Next the bruises appeared and I accused him of being in a car wreak and not telling me. Later that night I covered John’s ears and asked my sister Jen did she think that it could be leukemia? She of course told me I was crazy, of course not. I remember being upset that John was calling in sick to his new job at Lalimes, they just increased his hours to both Saturday and Sunday because they saw how talented and reliable he was. I was worried that him calling in sick so early in his career there that they would think he was a flake, a description that never would describe John. We were panicked because John said he could not reach them and felt too yucky to get in his car and tell them he would not be at work. I stopped by Lalime’s on the way home and told the chef he had the worse flu and I was sorry, but he never got sick, and if he said he was sick then he was sick. I went home and by that time I was convinced that it was a kidney infection since John told me he say blood in his urine, yet I waited until the next day to call the doctor, since the medical book said he had to have a high fever (his was only 100) to worry. Little did I know what we were going to have handed to us the next day. I remember John saying he would get up and take a shower before the doctor appointment, but he did not have the energy to get out of bed. I helped him to the car, by then his fever higher, he was weak, still the denial continued. I was surprised when Doctor Clark wanted John to go to the ER and have a chest x-ray and blood work. He asked if John has insurance, he thought John would need some antibiotics. Later I found out the he already knew what ever health worker knew when the looked at John. Believe me Dr. Golomb really tried to find something else, sepsis…Mono…anything but leukemia. I looked at the doctor’s report and he never said leukemia, but he did call Dr. Wolf. Dr. Wolf knew what was ailing John, and I kept suggesting better, more curable illnesses. Dr. Wolf would say to me, “it could be, but Becca John has leukemia”. The rest is history. It became in my life: BC and AC, before cancer and after cancer. It is so hard to remember life before cancer, before Dr. Wolf and 2 and a half years of days or minutes I would never trade with my dear John.

I know that reports of leukemia are supposedly curable, but that is such crap. Ask John Fulco about his Sammie. She died, it took 5 years, but she is now gone, finally her little body gave out, fungus in her brain. Or ask Renea’s family. She had the most curable leukemia one can get. And just short of her three year remission (considered a mark for cure for her particular AML) she relapsed, never gained remission and died. Then there is Theresa, and Katherine, and Ted who is fighting again. Ted and John met at City of Hope, transplant buddies, he is sick again, probably will not live, his body even with nearly 2 and ½ years of rest, is having major health problems, his kidneys his heart all the same things that brought my healthy big guy down. This is just junk, leukemia is junk, and a deadly awful cancer. On the other hand I often feel lucky that at least I had time with John, I mean what about Annie, her child was taken in an instant, or Bonnie whose son left suddenly.

Sometimes it is very hard to keep facing these days, and I have to admit this anniversary is the worst of them all. I knew very little about what was going to happen, but I can put myself back there in an instant. When I asked Dr. Golomb whether John would start school in a week since he was being admitted, would he be out in time to go to school and he answered no. “Should I cancel my vacation?” my reward trip for getting two kids in college, postponed because John’s feelings were hurt that I would even consider not being around to send him off the first day. ‘Cancel the trip’ he said. “Do you now what my worst fear is” I asked. I leaned and whispered “leukemia” in his ear and his face said it all. I do remember crying after I went home, but returned to the hospital because I could not sleep, determined not to be “one of those family members”.

John asked me if he was going to die…and I said I did not know…of course not…don’t be crazy…a bruise appeared where he brushed away his tears…