Monday, February 25, 2008
Well were should I start? Is it really John’s birthday? I guess so since he was born this day, but he certainly is not 26 years old. I have thought about the whole Happy Birthday thing, and is John having a happy birthday today? Is he wishing he was alive? My heart tells me no. I think John now has full understanding of his life purpose, that it was so short for a good reason, and all the questions I continue to ask, the “how”, the “what” and of course the “why” did this happen still goes unanswered. Even if God came to tell me the why of John’s illness and death I would tell him that is not a good enough reason. I do feel John is also not as present on this earth anymore. I do not find as many pennies. When the shuttle passed the cancer center I did not cringe until the shuttle actually passed the entrance. As a matter of fact, driving this morning I intentionally turned so I could pass John’s tree, and I almost forgot to look as I passed. I would like to say I am still so grief filled and numb, but the truth is I am healing. As disloyal as I feel admitting it, time has mended some of the wound, not much, but it is no longer festering. I do believe John pokes me once in a while…but mostly he is busy with his after life (new life???).
There are times my shoulders sage with the weight of what is, I still do not believe this has happened to me. I continually dream of babies, having babies, grandchildren. I miss having children around me, but I would be in this position any way because my children are/were older. Last night I dreamt I told someone I was planning on having another child. I know I was thinking this would happen invitro, and I realized my two children would be 30 years apart, but my thought process was definitely I AM the mother of two in this life. Perhaps this is crazy, John always said “I am her baby”, but I have thought seriously I should look into fostering a baby. Of course I can hardly handle the three cats.
So today I look for John and know he has been present. The screen saver on my computer at work said, “Monkeys are fun”. I have to believe John inspired one of my co-workers to put that on my computer so I would see it today. I went to get flowers to leave at his tree, did not see any and at church recognized that the tears I shed were what he wanted, so I gave them feely today. I went to Lalime’s and am overwhelmed how lucky he was to have worked there, a place that saw his talent and appreciated it.
In the end, even after such a hard day, I am still able to thank God I was given the few days of John’s short life--how lucky I am to be given it.
There are times my shoulders sage with the weight of what is, I still do not believe this has happened to me. I continually dream of babies, having babies, grandchildren. I miss having children around me, but I would be in this position any way because my children are/were older. Last night I dreamt I told someone I was planning on having another child. I know I was thinking this would happen invitro, and I realized my two children would be 30 years apart, but my thought process was definitely I AM the mother of two in this life. Perhaps this is crazy, John always said “I am her baby”, but I have thought seriously I should look into fostering a baby. Of course I can hardly handle the three cats.
So today I look for John and know he has been present. The screen saver on my computer at work said, “Monkeys are fun”. I have to believe John inspired one of my co-workers to put that on my computer so I would see it today. I went to get flowers to leave at his tree, did not see any and at church recognized that the tears I shed were what he wanted, so I gave them feely today. I went to Lalime’s and am overwhelmed how lucky he was to have worked there, a place that saw his talent and appreciated it.
In the end, even after such a hard day, I am still able to thank God I was given the few days of John’s short life--how lucky I am to be given it.
