Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Scott moved home a couple weekends ago. He is planning on applying for law school and wants to save additional money so as he says “Won’t be as broke as other lawyers.” when he gets out of school. I have to say it is really comforting to have him in my immediate space again. I realized fairy quickly that it knowing where he is that brings the most comfort. When Scott lives outside the home, especially since John’s passing I worry more about his safety and having him here at night I know he is safe. This doesn’t mean when the time comes I won’t let him venture out, but for now I am taking a worry break and am happy for it. The weekend Scott moved in I kept running into very cold spots in the house, I mean bone chilling and then I think it must be John visiting, checking out the new situation. Kelly, Scott’s cat is really happy.
I had a dream where John was alive, he looked like he was getting sick again, but he didn’t want to go to get a blood test, he was arguing he was okay even though I know he was worried too. I was upset since I wanted the reassurance he was okay, but deep down I knew he wasn’t. The dream was set in the near future, John off on the career track including changing his insurance to Kaiser. I was telling him I would find some way for the blood test and was going through my mind where I would get the money since he no longer had BC or medicare and I wanted him to go to the cancer center. I woke up calculating in my head that if I pulled money from this account, and Dr. Wolf would let me make payments, and I didn’t remember that John was dead. It seemed like a really long instant before it hit me that he can’t get cancer again, or blood tests because he is no longer here. Very unsettling.
I have put a few of his clothes away to show my future grandchildren. I was laying them out on the ground amazed what a big guy he was. The pictures will not do him justice, his nieces or nephews will be able to lay next to the outfit and really get the idea him his size. This thought while it saddens me they will never sit on his lap also helps me appreciate what John has left behind because these clothes are part of the memory Scott and I can share with others.
I had a dream where John was alive, he looked like he was getting sick again, but he didn’t want to go to get a blood test, he was arguing he was okay even though I know he was worried too. I was upset since I wanted the reassurance he was okay, but deep down I knew he wasn’t. The dream was set in the near future, John off on the career track including changing his insurance to Kaiser. I was telling him I would find some way for the blood test and was going through my mind where I would get the money since he no longer had BC or medicare and I wanted him to go to the cancer center. I woke up calculating in my head that if I pulled money from this account, and Dr. Wolf would let me make payments, and I didn’t remember that John was dead. It seemed like a really long instant before it hit me that he can’t get cancer again, or blood tests because he is no longer here. Very unsettling.
I have put a few of his clothes away to show my future grandchildren. I was laying them out on the ground amazed what a big guy he was. The pictures will not do him justice, his nieces or nephews will be able to lay next to the outfit and really get the idea him his size. This thought while it saddens me they will never sit on his lap also helps me appreciate what John has left behind because these clothes are part of the memory Scott and I can share with others.
