Friday, February 25, 2005
A year ago today John and I had plans for lunch at Barneys. John had just started back to culinary school that week and when he woke up he was tired and feeling like he might puke. If anyone knows John, they know how much he hated to puke. As a matter of fact John aside from having the chemo barfs only threw up two other times during his illness.
It did cross my mind briefly that John each time he relapsed would experience a bout of nausea, but last year John and I instead of going to eat sat on the couch and watched a DVD and decided it was him just being tired from starting school.
I do not think I would have changed anything that day even if I knew it was the beginning of John getting sick again. He still would of moved out, gone to Las Vegas, gotten stuck on the Bay Bridge to finish his baking and pastry final. John really got to live his life the way he wanted the last few months.
Today I have planned to stay busy, first going to the 8:00 mass that I have asked the church to give to him. After church my plan is to see this movie with Tommy Lee Jones and Cedric the Entertainer, “Man of the House”. When I saw the advertising for the movie I could hear John leaning over to me and whispering in my ear like he always did at the movies, “I want to see that one Mom”. So I plan on seeing exactly what John would like to see. At 4:00 Jen and I are going to go to the tree and Jen is going to plant a couple bulbs around the plaque. Last but not least a few people are meeting Scott, Pop and I at Lalimes’ for appetizers and a drink and then the three of us will have a quiet birthday dinner honoring John at one of the few places on earth that he felt valued.
I can only hope that some how some way I can make it through the day. There are times I just want to give up and feel my life has no purpose anymore. I continue with the “how” of it all. How did this happen to Scott, did he ever dream he would lose his brother? Or did any of my brothers and sisters ever think in a million years our family would know so much about leukemia?
The weeks leading to John’s birthday have sure been tough. I miss him so much and my body aches for him every moment. I did have a vivid dream where John was his adult self. He was lying in a hospital bed. I was talking to him about all the things we had to do when we got him out of there; it was like we were waiting for the discharge instructions. Occasionally I caught a drift that I was talking to myself, but I would turn around and John would be there, I am not sure if he was talking back to me. During one point of the dream the camera angle shifted to what the nurse was seeing and all she saw was me talking to myself, the hospital bed empty. When the camera angle shifted and I was inside my own body again I turned and John was there, healthy as could be. I went over and poked him with my finger to see if he was an apparition, but he was solid. I knew the nurse was not seeing correctly John was there with me in his big silent way he had about him. I woke up longing more than ever for John, I willed myself back to sleep if only to get another minute with him.
It did cross my mind briefly that John each time he relapsed would experience a bout of nausea, but last year John and I instead of going to eat sat on the couch and watched a DVD and decided it was him just being tired from starting school.
I do not think I would have changed anything that day even if I knew it was the beginning of John getting sick again. He still would of moved out, gone to Las Vegas, gotten stuck on the Bay Bridge to finish his baking and pastry final. John really got to live his life the way he wanted the last few months.
Today I have planned to stay busy, first going to the 8:00 mass that I have asked the church to give to him. After church my plan is to see this movie with Tommy Lee Jones and Cedric the Entertainer, “Man of the House”. When I saw the advertising for the movie I could hear John leaning over to me and whispering in my ear like he always did at the movies, “I want to see that one Mom”. So I plan on seeing exactly what John would like to see. At 4:00 Jen and I are going to go to the tree and Jen is going to plant a couple bulbs around the plaque. Last but not least a few people are meeting Scott, Pop and I at Lalimes’ for appetizers and a drink and then the three of us will have a quiet birthday dinner honoring John at one of the few places on earth that he felt valued.
I can only hope that some how some way I can make it through the day. There are times I just want to give up and feel my life has no purpose anymore. I continue with the “how” of it all. How did this happen to Scott, did he ever dream he would lose his brother? Or did any of my brothers and sisters ever think in a million years our family would know so much about leukemia?
The weeks leading to John’s birthday have sure been tough. I miss him so much and my body aches for him every moment. I did have a vivid dream where John was his adult self. He was lying in a hospital bed. I was talking to him about all the things we had to do when we got him out of there; it was like we were waiting for the discharge instructions. Occasionally I caught a drift that I was talking to myself, but I would turn around and John would be there, I am not sure if he was talking back to me. During one point of the dream the camera angle shifted to what the nurse was seeing and all she saw was me talking to myself, the hospital bed empty. When the camera angle shifted and I was inside my own body again I turned and John was there, healthy as could be. I went over and poked him with my finger to see if he was an apparition, but he was solid. I knew the nurse was not seeing correctly John was there with me in his big silent way he had about him. I woke up longing more than ever for John, I willed myself back to sleep if only to get another minute with him.
