Thursday, December 14, 2006
Well the thaw has begun. Just in time for one of the most emotionally charged seasons that is put upon us. I have so many thoughts about and observations of this time of year, the angry honking drivers on Solano Avenue scurrying around shopping so they will be able to spread the cheer, the over importance of it. But the truth is the blog is about coping with John dying, not a platform for me to pontificate from, after all that is what my clients and friends are for.
This year, because I am sure of global warming, giving me comfort that this too can be blamed on George, I have many more feelings. I do not think it is the season bringing on the melt, because each and everyday the unhappiness I feel for losing John stays the same. Many friends have “checked in” to make sure I am doing alright, but holidays are no different that any other day. I do feel a bigger sting on significant days such as birthdays, I have to believe this thaw, this awakening, is just timing. It had to happen, or I would have shrunk away and disappeared by now. I know I have been teetering for a while, lucky me I teetered to joining the living human race for now.
All that said from a grief stand point would like to share how hard it is to decide how to honor John and not die of sadness. This year I have not wanted to celebrate much, would rather bury my head, but some of the sleepiness has worn off.
The other day I it was time to either decorate or not decorate. I had to decide what brings joy and what brings honor to John’s memory. I know John would understand about the lights and tree since I usually do not enjoy putting them up or taking them down, but the stockings have to be hung, especially since I asked Scott if we could just do small stocking stuffers this year. The other day I had to dig into the Christmas box a get them. From a Mom’s point of view this is usually something really fun, but the dilemma is how do I deal with the pain of either leaving John’s stocking in the box this year or hanging it and it staying empty again? In the box his stocking would become like his body, just dust. Hanging it on the mantle it becomes a bittersweet memory. But it is the memories of John that keeps him alive to me and others. People who did not know John alive can still meet him through the stuff I have kept. I cannot imagine when Scott settles down and has a family they will not be able to know Big John, but the empty stocking symbolizes him. He was here, he was loved, and he will not be coming back. His stocking will stay empty.
This year, because I am sure of global warming, giving me comfort that this too can be blamed on George, I have many more feelings. I do not think it is the season bringing on the melt, because each and everyday the unhappiness I feel for losing John stays the same. Many friends have “checked in” to make sure I am doing alright, but holidays are no different that any other day. I do feel a bigger sting on significant days such as birthdays, I have to believe this thaw, this awakening, is just timing. It had to happen, or I would have shrunk away and disappeared by now. I know I have been teetering for a while, lucky me I teetered to joining the living human race for now.
All that said from a grief stand point would like to share how hard it is to decide how to honor John and not die of sadness. This year I have not wanted to celebrate much, would rather bury my head, but some of the sleepiness has worn off.
The other day I it was time to either decorate or not decorate. I had to decide what brings joy and what brings honor to John’s memory. I know John would understand about the lights and tree since I usually do not enjoy putting them up or taking them down, but the stockings have to be hung, especially since I asked Scott if we could just do small stocking stuffers this year. The other day I had to dig into the Christmas box a get them. From a Mom’s point of view this is usually something really fun, but the dilemma is how do I deal with the pain of either leaving John’s stocking in the box this year or hanging it and it staying empty again? In the box his stocking would become like his body, just dust. Hanging it on the mantle it becomes a bittersweet memory. But it is the memories of John that keeps him alive to me and others. People who did not know John alive can still meet him through the stuff I have kept. I cannot imagine when Scott settles down and has a family they will not be able to know Big John, but the empty stocking symbolizes him. He was here, he was loved, and he will not be coming back. His stocking will stay empty.
