Tuesday, July 20, 2004
It has been 11 weeks now, 77 days. I don't think a Tuesday will ever go by again in life where I won't think this is the day that John died. Funny when the boys were born, both on a Thursday. Every Thursday I don't get up and say this was the day they were born. I wonder if it will fade, but it doesn't feel like it will.
Today I spent the day with Jackie and Tricia at this swimming club in Menlo Park, it was really nice, very warm, super relaxing. On the way home we approached the Bay Bridge at about 10:00, the same time John would usually be on the bridge to go home and it struck me that he wouldn't ever be on the bridge at 10:00 again or ever. What a dismal thought.
The Boy Scout Troop John belonged to has decided to plant a tree in John's honor. It will be a redwood that overlooks the barbecue area of the park. We decided this would be the best location and the redwood would be right for honoring such a big guy. Peter mentioned that I may want to bury his ashes at the root of the tree. I said I would think about it. The thought of parting with even the smallest speck of John's ashes is so alien and unsettling. First I happen to like having him around, I find it strangely comforting to put my hand on the bag and still feel John's energy, but second what happens if I am wrong? What happens if I do bury the ashes with the tree and I regret it like I have regretted cremating helper monkey with John? I will not be able to get John's ashes back. Right now I don't think I will be able to be that unselfish. I do have a month to think about it, but I am pretty sure it will be no.
Today I spent the day with Jackie and Tricia at this swimming club in Menlo Park, it was really nice, very warm, super relaxing. On the way home we approached the Bay Bridge at about 10:00, the same time John would usually be on the bridge to go home and it struck me that he wouldn't ever be on the bridge at 10:00 again or ever. What a dismal thought.
The Boy Scout Troop John belonged to has decided to plant a tree in John's honor. It will be a redwood that overlooks the barbecue area of the park. We decided this would be the best location and the redwood would be right for honoring such a big guy. Peter mentioned that I may want to bury his ashes at the root of the tree. I said I would think about it. The thought of parting with even the smallest speck of John's ashes is so alien and unsettling. First I happen to like having him around, I find it strangely comforting to put my hand on the bag and still feel John's energy, but second what happens if I am wrong? What happens if I do bury the ashes with the tree and I regret it like I have regretted cremating helper monkey with John? I will not be able to get John's ashes back. Right now I don't think I will be able to be that unselfish. I do have a month to think about it, but I am pretty sure it will be no.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Been crying a lot today. I guess there is some reasons to unthaw myself. I do know that yesterday I did a meditation and a large spirit was led to me and put his head on my lap. I know it was John.
Also today, James, John's roommate and best friend has sent notification he has secured a new roommate. I am quite happy for James and there is some relief as I have worried greatly that James would have to give up the duplex and that some how would feel like such a failure. But on the other hand, it will not be John's bachelor pad any longer either.
I do think about John a bunch, but I realize that I always have thought of both of the guys...all the time. I guess I am obsessed about being a Mom. I have always bored and entertained people with the happenings and events surrounding my sons. I think I will always be that way. I know that I am all about changing and growing as a human, but I don't want to change that about myself. I really like being a Mom.
Antonio, John's friend from the cancer center told me that the last few days before he was discharged his visions of John were glimpses of him from a side view or his back. Little did Antonio know that I was feeling less and less the presence of John. Little by little John is disappearing from earth. The other day I gave Jennifer's friend Craig John's computer to fix up for Juna. Craig will put all of John into a folder, and make the computer Juna's. The thought of John being in a folder is quite disturbing, but it doesn't make sense to have Juna turn on the computer and be faced with John each time. Does this make any sense? John becoming a folder or no longer the roommate of James. It just makes his death so real...on the other hand it has always been real since May 4, 2004 at 1:45 a.m. I have not forgotten John is dead, yet every time someone is able to move on it just makes it more real. I guess I cannot really explain it yet. On the other hand I did go to a grief group that specializes in parents who have lost children and I should be grateful that John was not stolen from me like the woman who had a son gunned down in the street (wrong place, wrong time) or the mother or a child who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was lucky to have special time with John. I only wish...
Also today, James, John's roommate and best friend has sent notification he has secured a new roommate. I am quite happy for James and there is some relief as I have worried greatly that James would have to give up the duplex and that some how would feel like such a failure. But on the other hand, it will not be John's bachelor pad any longer either.
I do think about John a bunch, but I realize that I always have thought of both of the guys...all the time. I guess I am obsessed about being a Mom. I have always bored and entertained people with the happenings and events surrounding my sons. I think I will always be that way. I know that I am all about changing and growing as a human, but I don't want to change that about myself. I really like being a Mom.
Antonio, John's friend from the cancer center told me that the last few days before he was discharged his visions of John were glimpses of him from a side view or his back. Little did Antonio know that I was feeling less and less the presence of John. Little by little John is disappearing from earth. The other day I gave Jennifer's friend Craig John's computer to fix up for Juna. Craig will put all of John into a folder, and make the computer Juna's. The thought of John being in a folder is quite disturbing, but it doesn't make sense to have Juna turn on the computer and be faced with John each time. Does this make any sense? John becoming a folder or no longer the roommate of James. It just makes his death so real...on the other hand it has always been real since May 4, 2004 at 1:45 a.m. I have not forgotten John is dead, yet every time someone is able to move on it just makes it more real. I guess I cannot really explain it yet. On the other hand I did go to a grief group that specializes in parents who have lost children and I should be grateful that John was not stolen from me like the woman who had a son gunned down in the street (wrong place, wrong time) or the mother or a child who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was lucky to have special time with John. I only wish...
