Thursday, July 01, 2004
I have been worried about the paucity of tears that have not been shed. The other night I went to see the new Michael Moore movie and there is a scene where a mother is crying over the loss of her son. She is double over in pain, crying. She looks like the elephants we used to pretend we were in kindergarten, slumped over walking with our hands dragging on the ground pretending to be the trunk. I thought I would join her, my stomach aching to cry with her and nothing. Absolutely nothing but the feeling of envy that she could express grief so openly. I always thought if I ever lost someone I loved that I would drape myself over there body, scream to the heavens, "Why God, why?" The most is a tear or two and then a brush off of tears and moving on. I do have to admit my smile is often fake, and I sometimes catch myself in a mirror and see my Mom's unhappy face. Please do not get me wrong I do weird things sometimes that indicate a great amount of sadness about losing John. I drive with a pair of John's old sunglasses in my car and often smell them since they remind me of the smell of his car. I keep his hat by my bed with his glasses, wallet and keys in it and often try to find John in these things. I even went in the basement the other day and hugged his tool box he carried all his school supplies in. I even moaned as I did it, but no knuckle dragging yet. I feel like I am knuckle dragging...all the time, just haven't actually done it yet.
As the days that pass it is harder to feel John's presence. When he first died I thought every flower, every lone penny I found was from John. A message from heaven that he was still around very close to our earth. I pray each night he will come in my dreams and talk to me so I can get a crisp vision of him being well. A book I read said to envision the person well and that they take you on a tour of their new reality, a beautiful, perfect city and then say good bye. Perhaps this is why I am having trouble seeing him, I don't want to say good bye, I want John back.
As the days that pass it is harder to feel John's presence. When he first died I thought every flower, every lone penny I found was from John. A message from heaven that he was still around very close to our earth. I pray each night he will come in my dreams and talk to me so I can get a crisp vision of him being well. A book I read said to envision the person well and that they take you on a tour of their new reality, a beautiful, perfect city and then say good bye. Perhaps this is why I am having trouble seeing him, I don't want to say good bye, I want John back.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Well it has been 56 days. I keep waiting to crash. I keep wondering if being numb is so bad and can I keep it like this and grow as a human being if I stay this way. Last night Jen and I were walking and I saw this man with a baby. I usually don't say anything to strangers, as I am a bit shy believe it or not but I asked how old the baby was and he said 8 weeks. Then I asked him if was he born on May 4th? He looked at me weird and said yes. Jen didn't understand the significance of the conversation. But after walking a couple steps I turned around and I didn't see the man with his baby anymore. It was such a beautiful baby, and it reminded me that as one dies another lives on in its place. I really don't think that this baby is John's replacement. I know that he really wanted to be part of this earth, but I do think he is taking a break from the ravages of it. At least until there is no war. John used to be so afraid of what was happening in the Mid-East including last 4th of July being convinced that the noises he was hearing were an attack on us. It didn't instantly occur to him that on forth of July it would be firework noise. John was such a wonderful pacifist, he really hated physical conflict. So until the world can be peaceful I think John will stay put and I do hope he waits for me so I can be with him again. Sure do miss him.
Speaking about falling apart last night I did get a glimpse of what it would be like. I had a dream where I was at another friend of a friends funeral and I was blaming one of John's old football coaches for the deceased demise and then realized it was also their fault John was gone. The next thing I knew I was in laying on the floor at the reception afterwards doing this familiar silent screaming type dream crying. The type that the mouth is open but no sound comes out, yet it is gut wrenching. It is really the type of crying that I have always thought I would do if someone I loved died, yet have not done so far. Yesterday at work we heard a commotion of this lady screaming and when the doctor went to investigate it turns out she was screaming because her father had just died. We thought it was a big fight with several people, but apparently this woman just had the ability to mourn loudly in several different voices at the same time. At first I was a bit judgmental thinking at least I never behaved that way, calling attention to myself and embarrassing everyone around me...but now I am a bit envious because at least she has an outlet for her personal grief.
The other day I wrote my sister Aud about the fact that I have still feel bad about not calling earlier and allowing her and Bob to get to John before he died. She wrote the nicest letter back, but also pointed something out:
...was more than privileged to be with John at the ICU,
giving him the privacy he needed, help him
to his bed, raise his feet, watch movies and listen to
his innermost thoughts about marriage, being a father
and whether he would be successful at both. It was
especially hard Becca, because he really knew that
wasn't his fate, but he wanted to know if he would be
good at that.
I know that John talked about getting married a bunch this last time. He just wanted reassurance that if God did give him the opportunity would he have risen to the occasion? I know there was occasionally disparaging remarks about his ability to have children after all the chemo he was put through. Once there was a x-ray technician who forgot the lead drape and John responded with, "Who cares it is not like it is going to change anything anyway." I told he that it wasn't if he was going to have children, but when. I do hope he will still one day. He would of made a really great Dad.
Speaking about falling apart last night I did get a glimpse of what it would be like. I had a dream where I was at another friend of a friends funeral and I was blaming one of John's old football coaches for the deceased demise and then realized it was also their fault John was gone. The next thing I knew I was in laying on the floor at the reception afterwards doing this familiar silent screaming type dream crying. The type that the mouth is open but no sound comes out, yet it is gut wrenching. It is really the type of crying that I have always thought I would do if someone I loved died, yet have not done so far. Yesterday at work we heard a commotion of this lady screaming and when the doctor went to investigate it turns out she was screaming because her father had just died. We thought it was a big fight with several people, but apparently this woman just had the ability to mourn loudly in several different voices at the same time. At first I was a bit judgmental thinking at least I never behaved that way, calling attention to myself and embarrassing everyone around me...but now I am a bit envious because at least she has an outlet for her personal grief.
The other day I wrote my sister Aud about the fact that I have still feel bad about not calling earlier and allowing her and Bob to get to John before he died. She wrote the nicest letter back, but also pointed something out:
...was more than privileged to be with John at the ICU,
giving him the privacy he needed, help him
to his bed, raise his feet, watch movies and listen to
his innermost thoughts about marriage, being a father
and whether he would be successful at both. It was
especially hard Becca, because he really knew that
wasn't his fate, but he wanted to know if he would be
good at that.
I know that John talked about getting married a bunch this last time. He just wanted reassurance that if God did give him the opportunity would he have risen to the occasion? I know there was occasionally disparaging remarks about his ability to have children after all the chemo he was put through. Once there was a x-ray technician who forgot the lead drape and John responded with, "Who cares it is not like it is going to change anything anyway." I told he that it wasn't if he was going to have children, but when. I do hope he will still one day. He would of made a really great Dad.
