Tuesday, May 04, 2010
6 long long years. Or is it wasn’t it just yesterday? It still feels like yesterday. The pain is still here, occasionally it is a dull gnawing pain, still comes in waves where I feel I have been punched in the stomach. Sometimes the pain weighs my shoulders down and at time squeezes my heart. There are times I find myself crying these days, having Dad die took the finger out of the dike and there are now holes in my unconscious and carefully constructed dam. I am told if I let the dam break I will feel better, but do I really want to? I have continued on with my life, I have had fun, even experienced a brief period of love, but do I really ever want to ever let go of my grief and sadness of John dying? NO! I will never get over this. I do not think there will ever be a day I will not furrow my brow at God, and find my jaw set teeth grinding with fury for taking my baby. I know, I know that there had to be a deal made at the time of John’s conception that John only had 22 years with me, with Scott, with Pop and all those who loved him.
I lay here in my bed, and look around at all the wonderful things I have been given. My sisters (and in law), brothers and Uncle Bob. A great running and business partner that includes a husband who loves and supports me too. My son, Scott. Friends, friends and more friends.
I can always think about all the others who have it worse than I, but today I am going to feel sorry for myself. I am going to wallow in the muck and give myself a day to mourn. I will go for a walk on the beach and let the sounds of the waves enter, swirl and pull the sadness from me. Hopefully it will clean me out, and give me the strength to go on for another year.
I am adding a picture of a drawing John did in Kindergarten for mother’s day. I look at this everyday. It has never, even when John was alive, ever faded into being just a picture. It reassures me that his love for me will never die. I still feel John at times come and sit on the edge of my bed. I still wish I would wake up and find this has all been a bad dream. I still wish it was me instead.
I miss you big John. 77 forever.
