Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Today is my birthday. Three years ago it was Easter and my birthday. It is also the day the last picture of John was taken by Scott. I see this picture everyday on my mantle. His cheeks are flush with disease, his hair still had not returned since the transplant. It was fine a furry like a chick. When he died I remember going to the mortuary as Jackie said ‘just to be sure he was really dead” and I brushed his hair to the side. Scott was the last to see his body. Funny last to take the picture last to see his human remains.

Three years ago John bought me a car wash, it was one of the best birthday presents because John listened to me. I remember knowing he was to enter Alta Bates the next day for the last time. The next three weeks even though I know John would rather have me forget them completely is foggy. I remember I had to change my ring tone on my phone because I had it play the funeral march, not because I was morbid, I just hated for it to ring.

So what will I do now? I may go back and read a few of the blog entries. I know I was so full of hope and I did not want anyone to be afraid for John. John did not want anyone to be afraid for him. Now of course his body is no longer whole, just some ashes in a really nice bag my sister made him, but his spirit still lives on. I know it.