Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

For those who worry about me, try not. I am fortunate enough to have dear friends and family who help me stay on an even keel. I have to admit I am still taking in the nicotine, but not very much and I did go a couple weeks without it. Last Tuesday was just too much and I gave in. Once I give in I have to ride it to the habitual end in order to have the strength and will power to stop. I will stop. One thing I have learned however is I should not promise anyone else, not John, Scott or God that I will stop, especially if I am trying to make a deal in exchange for some type of miraculous favor. The truth is I inevitably fail and then know I have broken a promise and pact with the people I love most. It is not just smoking either it is often with some sort of food item (apple fritters for example) I eventually find some reason to give in (I still am doing well with the fritters, but who knows if I didn’t smoke how long that will last).

Hence, I trudge along, beginning to feel other things beside despair. The thoughts of not wanting to be here on earth are less often—for now.