Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Today I do feel better. Have a better grip on things then on the way home I was overcome with the memory that John died in my arms. I know John knows all I do and most of the time I feel ashamed. I am really trying to live an honorable life, but I just cannot. I make so many mistakes. I only hope that where John is he recognizes I am left to be human while he got to go on and be divine.

It finally happened today. I actually lay on my floor and cried. I always thought that was bull shit grief would hit so profoundly that it has the power to keep one from moving. As silly as I felt I decided to go with it because the therapist says it is good for me to let the lid off. One of my fears is if I let the grief fly I would never want to get out of be--or off the floor. But I did, finally. Have to say it hurt a lot more than I ever imagined, but I did stop after a while. I really no longer like to cry and I am certainly tired of what ever layer has been peeled of my psyche these days since I am so willing to cry or voice my displeasure.

I do have to say my life has wreaked havoc on anyone who is dealing with me. I have had more arguments and disagreements than I have had in recent memory. Mostly it seems that people have gotten used to the numb Becca and are having a hard time with the say what I want, and expect the truth in return Becca. In the meantime I hope that I can get through this stage of grief.

I went by John’s tree today. It has a seedling. It made me feel like a grandma. John’s tree has a baby. Funny but if John had lived he would have been almost 25 and I am sure he, being the kind of person he was, would of settled down by now. And he has hasn’t he? He has settled in heaven, he has visited me to let me know he is okay, has friends and comes by to comfort me when I am beyond sad. I know I have to adjust my role in this world—it has been forced on me.