Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Scott is off to DC, began orientation today. I am very proud of how hard he has worked to make this happen. How do I feel now that I am alone? Not too bad, I am a little messier than I thought I was. I always think of myself as a neat nick, but that was before kids. Now they have broken me in to tolerate clutter. Oh well there is worse in life than a little bit of mess. Besides, if I do not keep things in my eyesight these days I forget about it, no matter how important. I cannot figure if this has something to do with my general disconnect to this world because of the trauma of losing John, or if I am just getting older and my brain is full of menopausal symptoms. I think it must be a combination, but I can hardly live with myself these days, I do not know how my friends and family put up with me these days. The vast majority of the time I feel invisible and not too connected anymore. It annoys me and I am trying so hard to want to be here, but if the world was flat I would walk to the end.
So what has come up during the last few weeks since Scott’s departure is I feel the rug to my life has been pulled out from beneath me. The purpose I always thought was my life’s destiny is gone. One reason is I was sure that given a healthy, cancer free life, John would of gone to culinary school and met a nice girl, settle down and by now at least be engaged. John was much more traditional and less adventurous than Scott. I know I would have been counting the days continuing my mothering waiting to be a Grandma. Scott, I have always thought would be older and more settled/sensible before having kids. John was much more of a going with his feelings kind of guy. So now I deal with a life without the prospect of being a grandma for a while. Am I sitting around pouting? No not really, just a little lost looking for the next step in my life, and I anyone who knows me just a little bit will say, this is not how Becca leads her life. I like to have a plan, a loose schedule and no big surprises. I like regularity.
Do I feel a bit more morose than usual now that Scott is gone? Sure. I miss him a great deal. I love that we talk on a regular basis. It is always a joy to see it is him on the caller ID. But I am not very lonely. I do sleep even more if one can believe that. The shrink would say that is a form of depression. I just say I am tired. It takes a lot of energy to get up each morning. Definitely being a little lazy has been one of the biggest symptoms of my grief. I keep wondering when I have stretched out the grieving too long. Will someone ask me to pull myself up by the boot straps soon? Or wait until 3 years post D-day or…25.
I do have many dreams with John, most of the time I remember he is gone. Last night had a dream that I was looking for him and could not locate him. I left several messages for him. I was crying, worried, sure something was wrong with him. No one else could understand why I was so upset. I put two and two together this morning while jogging that last night I was looking again for the messages from God (yes another meditation tape) and it is not working. I get so frustrated. How long should I try to contact the angels and God before I give up and know they are not there. Where is my burning bush so that I can know what I must do to survive here on earth and have my life worth something meaningful? I thought about fostering babies for a while, but I know I would become too attached and Jackie would most likely not let me set up a play pin at the salon. I am hoping what ever it is it becomes
So what has come up during the last few weeks since Scott’s departure is I feel the rug to my life has been pulled out from beneath me. The purpose I always thought was my life’s destiny is gone. One reason is I was sure that given a healthy, cancer free life, John would of gone to culinary school and met a nice girl, settle down and by now at least be engaged. John was much more traditional and less adventurous than Scott. I know I would have been counting the days continuing my mothering waiting to be a Grandma. Scott, I have always thought would be older and more settled/sensible before having kids. John was much more of a going with his feelings kind of guy. So now I deal with a life without the prospect of being a grandma for a while. Am I sitting around pouting? No not really, just a little lost looking for the next step in my life, and I anyone who knows me just a little bit will say, this is not how Becca leads her life. I like to have a plan, a loose schedule and no big surprises. I like regularity.
Do I feel a bit more morose than usual now that Scott is gone? Sure. I miss him a great deal. I love that we talk on a regular basis. It is always a joy to see it is him on the caller ID. But I am not very lonely. I do sleep even more if one can believe that. The shrink would say that is a form of depression. I just say I am tired. It takes a lot of energy to get up each morning. Definitely being a little lazy has been one of the biggest symptoms of my grief. I keep wondering when I have stretched out the grieving too long. Will someone ask me to pull myself up by the boot straps soon? Or wait until 3 years post D-day or…25.
I do have many dreams with John, most of the time I remember he is gone. Last night had a dream that I was looking for him and could not locate him. I left several messages for him. I was crying, worried, sure something was wrong with him. No one else could understand why I was so upset. I put two and two together this morning while jogging that last night I was looking again for the messages from God (yes another meditation tape) and it is not working. I get so frustrated. How long should I try to contact the angels and God before I give up and know they are not there. Where is my burning bush so that I can know what I must do to survive here on earth and have my life worth something meaningful? I thought about fostering babies for a while, but I know I would become too attached and Jackie would most likely not let me set up a play pin at the salon. I am hoping what ever it is it becomes
