Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Yesterday was a pretty awful day for me. I was very tense and terse, didn't want to be at work and feeling very heavy. Spent a good deal of time crying on Monday over empathic with Nico having to go to the vet and worrying he would reject me when I brought him home. And now it makes sense. A year ago John and I learned that John was no longer in remission, that he had 30% cancer cells in his marrow and we were grappling with all the possibilities, but knowing some how it was terrible news. I remember going to see Suzanne the BMT manager and me pressing her for information, really what I expected to hear from her was John was done for so I could prepare myself and help him prepare...yet all she said was that now is "not the time to be sad, that I would have plenty of time to be sad." Now I cannot imagine live ever really completely happy again since John is not there to share it with us and I have the rest of my life to be sad. So now begins the year anniversary of all that went on until the "D" which I know is looming around the corner since it all went so fast at the time. Trying hard to keep my head on straight, seems to be a bit lopsided these days.
