Saturday, May 17, 2008
I have been thinking quite a bit about the direction of the Nitty Gritty. I can only go by my own experience of my life right now...often I know it is clouded by the death of John, but I would most likely be here in this state even if John was alive, because he would not be here at home anymore. So do I write about how lonely it is to live alone? That I worry not having the boys as a focus I go back on to the wild track of my youth. Or do I write about my Father and his illness and how robbed I feel about not enjoying the first few years of childless freedom because I am yet again plunged into a care taking roll? I have so much on my mind, and the Nitty Gritty has always been a good place to purge, and stay sane (barely). So if the reader is just looking for grief reports go back to the archive, this is what is happening now.
Today when I was running with Jackie I felt great anger because I did not get the "aha" I wanted over the Cursillo weekend (a religious retreat over the anniversary of John's passing). The entire weekend devoted to being on God's time, and I went looking for God and contact from John. As the last day of the weekend came to a close, all I could do was feel this overwhelming disappointment. I wanted to see or hear God, I really wanted some kind of spiritual shift. So today running I challenged Jesus to come to me. I told him it was time, I am tired of seeking him out, doing it his way, and it was time to call on me for a change. I try so hard to live by Christ's example, even when I curse or laugh a someone else's misfortune(only because I can laugh harder at my own), but I have a litany of complaints right now and cannot figure out, since I have and will not turn my back on my belief, why all this crappy stuff is happening to me. Of course I know I am whining because so many others have it worse, but G.D. it I want some relief (without my Dad having to die or have anyone hurt in the mean time). I mean is it so much to ask to not have bought this condo at the top of the market only to have the value be less than what I owe on it? Or that Dad if he is going to have this really crappy disease that at least he cooperate with us and make it easier? Or how about Matthew dragging me along in hope that once he changed his medication he would want to move a little bit further on with our relationship only to have him make me figure out for myself for him it has to be platonic friends, and that I am a shit according to him because he cannot believe that our friendship has been so shallow on my side that I do not want to just hang out with him as buds? Oh yeah and that he wanted always to stay home, watch a movie, not go out and then find out now that he has unloaded me he has been going out every night, that it is I who was weighing him down and keeping him for moving forward, even as a stood by him while he was "lobotomized" on Paxil, thinking it is wrong not to hang in there since I was the drug that was causing most of his inability to cope, to find out now off and on the drug I suggested the timing goes hand in hand with his new burst of energy and drive and me not being around much? So I could go on, but really it is all so boring. I do know it is hard to be here alone, yet long the most for home with the cats.
By the way Scott finished his second year of law school and I hope since the direction of his life in DC has not made it clear he should stay on the East Coast he will eventually come back to California to practice law.
Today when I was running with Jackie I felt great anger because I did not get the "aha" I wanted over the Cursillo weekend (a religious retreat over the anniversary of John's passing). The entire weekend devoted to being on God's time, and I went looking for God and contact from John. As the last day of the weekend came to a close, all I could do was feel this overwhelming disappointment. I wanted to see or hear God, I really wanted some kind of spiritual shift. So today running I challenged Jesus to come to me. I told him it was time, I am tired of seeking him out, doing it his way, and it was time to call on me for a change. I try so hard to live by Christ's example, even when I curse or laugh a someone else's misfortune(only because I can laugh harder at my own), but I have a litany of complaints right now and cannot figure out, since I have and will not turn my back on my belief, why all this crappy stuff is happening to me. Of course I know I am whining because so many others have it worse, but G.D. it I want some relief (without my Dad having to die or have anyone hurt in the mean time). I mean is it so much to ask to not have bought this condo at the top of the market only to have the value be less than what I owe on it? Or that Dad if he is going to have this really crappy disease that at least he cooperate with us and make it easier? Or how about Matthew dragging me along in hope that once he changed his medication he would want to move a little bit further on with our relationship only to have him make me figure out for myself for him it has to be platonic friends, and that I am a shit according to him because he cannot believe that our friendship has been so shallow on my side that I do not want to just hang out with him as buds? Oh yeah and that he wanted always to stay home, watch a movie, not go out and then find out now that he has unloaded me he has been going out every night, that it is I who was weighing him down and keeping him for moving forward, even as a stood by him while he was "lobotomized" on Paxil, thinking it is wrong not to hang in there since I was the drug that was causing most of his inability to cope, to find out now off and on the drug I suggested the timing goes hand in hand with his new burst of energy and drive and me not being around much? So I could go on, but really it is all so boring. I do know it is hard to be here alone, yet long the most for home with the cats.
By the way Scott finished his second year of law school and I hope since the direction of his life in DC has not made it clear he should stay on the East Coast he will eventually come back to California to practice law.
