Sunday, March 19, 2006
I am telling you I am feeling like a real loser these days. I am a loser of my kid, a loser in love, loser of clients, loser of my mind, the only thing I am not a loser in is a loser of weight. I know that is still such a ridiculous thing to worry or be upset over, but I am. And the terrible thing is that I have to fight not to cry over this trivial thing. Yet crying for John seems so hard. If I could I would get on the floor, scream and kick and pound my fists. But what good that does? It will not bring my son back. And to tell the truth I think if I go there I may never come back. I am barely hanging on sometimes, then I think of Scott, and I grab on just a little tighter. I do not know how Jackie is putting up with me. She never knows if it is the slightly “batty” Becca showing up or the “whirling dervish” Becca arriving. All I know is it cannot be easy being with me. And believe me I am trying really hard to hold it together. I know I have lost clients, but I also know that I may not always remember not to use hair product or which side to part the hair, but I do care for each one of my clients and really try to do a good job.
Bowman got married this weekend. No not to me, but to Sue, who befriended him mostly when John and I were at City of Hope. She is such a nice gal she even loaned him her mother’s car before John died because his care was kaput. So while I was frantic about my child dying and thinking I was being paranoid and crazy over their friendship I guess they were becoming special friends. Matter of fact she caught and consoled him a couple weeks after John’s service when I decided it was time to have a break. I guess that is why he never called to enquire how I was doing. I know I know sour grapes. Believe me I am trying to wish them well, but it is hard. I know I am not crying about it, just eating it away.
So that is my saga, I have good days and hard days, mostly I seem to punish myself. At least the good days are more frequent. And good things too. Scott is going to law school this fall in Washington, DC at George Washington School of Law. John I sure is as proud as I am.
Bowman got married this weekend. No not to me, but to Sue, who befriended him mostly when John and I were at City of Hope. She is such a nice gal she even loaned him her mother’s car before John died because his care was kaput. So while I was frantic about my child dying and thinking I was being paranoid and crazy over their friendship I guess they were becoming special friends. Matter of fact she caught and consoled him a couple weeks after John’s service when I decided it was time to have a break. I guess that is why he never called to enquire how I was doing. I know I know sour grapes. Believe me I am trying to wish them well, but it is hard. I know I am not crying about it, just eating it away.
So that is my saga, I have good days and hard days, mostly I seem to punish myself. At least the good days are more frequent. And good things too. Scott is going to law school this fall in Washington, DC at George Washington School of Law. John I sure is as proud as I am.
