Saturday, January 06, 2007
The New Year has started, Scott has gone back to DC and I now have to deal with an empty house and cranky cats who cannot understand why (especially Kelly) Scott is not here to pet them.
I got home from Arizona and the world closed in. I even wondered if I needed to be hospitalized for a brief second my sadness is so great. Now I will dive into work as a distraction from the pain, which will at least keep me from debt…and alcoholism I am sure.
Today running with Jackie she shared that the kidney doc talked to John about letting his kidney’s fail as a peaceful way to go. To not try dialysis. I was so cloudy with hope that day that all I was concerned with is how John would get to dialysis three days a week, the cancer center and school by 1:00. I do know that I called my friends Rochelle and Bob and asked if they remembered a promise that if the worse thing did happen and John did not make it would they come get him right away as I could not let John go to the hospital morgue, a cold and lonely place. Rochelle promised me this a year before when John was dying from the Myelotarg. That was as far as I could go because John did not want “to even go to that box” as he put it.
Why even bring this up now? Because I have been torturing myself the last two months with how much I did not do in the end. How I let him suffer the extra year because I would not give him permission to go. I wonder how many other people knew John was going to die no matter what we did. I keep wondering why I didn’t ask Dr. Wolf is there anything we can do to save him instead of giving permission to “make him comfortable”. I really did think John would survive, but instead I have to admit he stayed extra…broke his promise to God to return on the due date…and then because of both of our selfishness he died a violent death instead of me giving permission to go…which I did one May 4th and I still regret the whispers coming from my mouth. I wish I had pounded my chest and screamed…instead compliance…and now regret. Jackie asks if I did all that would it of changed the outcome? Unfortunately we will never know. And I live with unresolved screams. A friend asked me the other day if I was mad at God about this. I have to say honestly no. I do get frustrated so often and mad about other things and as much as I like to say I no longer sweat the small stuff…I still do.
John came to me in my dream the other night. He waved from the top of a garage. I told him I would be back soon, but now I know he is dead in my dreams, when I see him it is just the impression he has left behind, and no matter how much I pray I will not wake up May 3, 2004 for a do-over.
I got home from Arizona and the world closed in. I even wondered if I needed to be hospitalized for a brief second my sadness is so great. Now I will dive into work as a distraction from the pain, which will at least keep me from debt…and alcoholism I am sure.
Today running with Jackie she shared that the kidney doc talked to John about letting his kidney’s fail as a peaceful way to go. To not try dialysis. I was so cloudy with hope that day that all I was concerned with is how John would get to dialysis three days a week, the cancer center and school by 1:00. I do know that I called my friends Rochelle and Bob and asked if they remembered a promise that if the worse thing did happen and John did not make it would they come get him right away as I could not let John go to the hospital morgue, a cold and lonely place. Rochelle promised me this a year before when John was dying from the Myelotarg. That was as far as I could go because John did not want “to even go to that box” as he put it.
Why even bring this up now? Because I have been torturing myself the last two months with how much I did not do in the end. How I let him suffer the extra year because I would not give him permission to go. I wonder how many other people knew John was going to die no matter what we did. I keep wondering why I didn’t ask Dr. Wolf is there anything we can do to save him instead of giving permission to “make him comfortable”. I really did think John would survive, but instead I have to admit he stayed extra…broke his promise to God to return on the due date…and then because of both of our selfishness he died a violent death instead of me giving permission to go…which I did one May 4th and I still regret the whispers coming from my mouth. I wish I had pounded my chest and screamed…instead compliance…and now regret. Jackie asks if I did all that would it of changed the outcome? Unfortunately we will never know. And I live with unresolved screams. A friend asked me the other day if I was mad at God about this. I have to say honestly no. I do get frustrated so often and mad about other things and as much as I like to say I no longer sweat the small stuff…I still do.
John came to me in my dream the other night. He waved from the top of a garage. I told him I would be back soon, but now I know he is dead in my dreams, when I see him it is just the impression he has left behind, and no matter how much I pray I will not wake up May 3, 2004 for a do-over.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
So now it is 2007. Not sure if it means much since it is just a day that separates the year. Hoping I will continue to thaw, which is easy to say now that I have been spending time with John and Laura in Arizona. Came here and immediately called Jackie that I wanted to come home...now I don't want to leave. John's (brother John) house is calm and welcoming. I went to Sedona as recommended, sort of looked for the vortex, but it was just like any other tourist town. Next time we are going to plan enough time to hike to the top of one of the many red mountains. They are spectacular to look at. When I would visit John in Houston I remember sitting having a dessert and night cap with my sisters thinking this place could be any mall, USA. Arizona does have distinctive features. It has hills and randomly growing Saguaro (the really tall with arms cactus that Wyle Coyote lands on). I am sure however the peace I feel at this moment has more to do with the John-Laura combination. John is trying to say there is a bunch of rich old ladies who need their hair done and I should move. Problem is, first I need moist air. I have been having bloody nose and my hair is standing on end. The second problem is what would I do without my sisters? I have already have questioned moving to San Pablo and losing Jennifer as my neighbor. She and I have been an anchor for each other so long. So unless we all agree to move pretty much at the same time I am staying in California. I do consider if Scott stays on the East Coast I will move that direction, but I will not have to even think about for another 2 1/2 years.
I am hoing to find better footing as the days pass. One nice thing is the ladies at church right before I went into talk to the priest about leaving my parish asked if I would serve communion on Sunday mornings once or twice a month. It looks like the first time will be on February 25, John's (my John) birthday and the mass is already saved as an intention for him. So to say the least God answered my prayers about leaving the Madeline by giving me something to do there. Of course I have to always worry about something, wouldn't be Becca if I didn't. I fear that once I give myself to the church I will become one of the dozen older women who spend all day there and are happy (it seems) to be quite single. One thing I will admit is that I am still hoping one day to get married again. I do feel that John would be okay with it now since I am sure once he passed on he got the secrets of us being stuck here and understands the need for companionship. I was told I am to pray for a husband...but be specific as I always seem to attract someone else’s husband (i.e.: separtated not divorced yet).
Well back home to face the reality of life. Scott is with me until Friday, has been nice having him around, but I do worry less about him when he is not in my direct vision. Used to be the opposite, but now I worry something is going to happen to him on my watch. I continue to hope that lightening does not strike twice.
I am hoing to find better footing as the days pass. One nice thing is the ladies at church right before I went into talk to the priest about leaving my parish asked if I would serve communion on Sunday mornings once or twice a month. It looks like the first time will be on February 25, John's (my John) birthday and the mass is already saved as an intention for him. So to say the least God answered my prayers about leaving the Madeline by giving me something to do there. Of course I have to always worry about something, wouldn't be Becca if I didn't. I fear that once I give myself to the church I will become one of the dozen older women who spend all day there and are happy (it seems) to be quite single. One thing I will admit is that I am still hoping one day to get married again. I do feel that John would be okay with it now since I am sure once he passed on he got the secrets of us being stuck here and understands the need for companionship. I was told I am to pray for a husband...but be specific as I always seem to attract someone else’s husband (i.e.: separtated not divorced yet).
Well back home to face the reality of life. Scott is with me until Friday, has been nice having him around, but I do worry less about him when he is not in my direct vision. Used to be the opposite, but now I worry something is going to happen to him on my watch. I continue to hope that lightening does not strike twice.
