Sunday, February 15, 2009
Today I have been thinking more of John; mostly I have been hit with brief memories that pierce me. Just snippets, John deciding to become DNR or falling in the bathroom when finally I decided he did not need me to escort him back and forth…that terrible thud and hearing the air being forced from his mouth. I am not sure what triggers days like this. Is it the rain or the proximity to his birthday? A bunch of stuff has been shaking loose lately, much because I went back to therapy. Apparently I will not get stronger or feel part of this existence until I fully grieve John’s death. Recently I began a drawing class and had an assignment to draw a still life that reflecting something about my life. A first I thought I would draw my latest food craze several containers of yogurt. Instead I woke up and saw John’s ashes in the dragon bag Aud made with the stuffed Siamese cat and pug on top. Next to it is John’s hat with his wallet, phone and keys, and above a Catholic cross. It really is the perfect still life. And it does filter how I see the world. Every thing I think and do is influenced by John’s cancer, everything. So I draw, sometimes in angry strokes, most of the time trying to hide and stuff my emotions.
One thing that shows some sort of progress and moving on is I almost forgot to request a mass intention for John’s birthday. I am lucky there is an extra service because his birthday falls on Ash Wednesday. So I will go to service and head to LaLime’s for a bowl of soup and try to pick up impressions of John peeling beets and being in his element…turning 27.
One thing that shows some sort of progress and moving on is I almost forgot to request a mass intention for John’s birthday. I am lucky there is an extra service because his birthday falls on Ash Wednesday. So I will go to service and head to LaLime’s for a bowl of soup and try to pick up impressions of John peeling beets and being in his element…turning 27.
