Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Since moving a couple weeks ago I have had time to reflect how lucky I am that my sisters care about me. I do feel so much better being in close proximity to a sibling again. The last year is the first time I have lived by myself and not had a sister next door. I hate to admit that the empty nest has been very hard. Especially since I like to be alone, but apparently I also like having people noise around me since I feel so much better here. No I am not magically cured, yes I am still extremely depressed (yuck). The worst part has been to be able acknowledge how sad I am about so many things, not just the loss of my son. All that does is make me feel weak and worst.
This last year I’ve worried that I will revert to my former self without the grounding the boys added to my life. That crazy out of control adolescent I was before Scott. While I know that I am older, I have made many stupid mistakes this last year. Many times I find myself being my own worst enemy. Letting old traits reappear.
I have continued to meditate each day hoping to build the new neuron pathways so my mind will react to the present instead if being reactive with the past twisted in the thought process. When I am meditating I see myself in a tight ball, thumb tightly plugged in my mouth. Sometimes I do wish someone would be there to push me tighter into the fetal position because I cannot seem to comfort myself completely. And then I wonder why should I have to do all this by myself? Jackie hurt her ankle and cannot run, so I am on my own…not always a good thing because it gives me too much time to let my mind wander…and cry about life…not just losing John. I have found much comfort in church, not sure I always go for the right reasons, sometimes it feels more like a habit, but the ritual of public worship has helped me become a better person. Two of my sisters are worried I am going to become a nun! I just decided either I could be mad at God or try to understand and hear the message from God. I asked Father David how did he get the “calling” to be a priest and he said it was not like a tap on the shoulder. He just kept coming to church until he knew. I know I will not be a nun, mostly because I like to say the word F@#K too much. But I would like to know if I have anymore purpose in life. Even if it seems extreme that I have been attending church a bit more than last year, it has kept me from committing suicide, which I in truth have contemplated.
I have wondered why I continue to expose myself publicly writing, but I think it is important for others, particularly those who have lost a child and then another child to becoming an adult and then the timing of the hormones which is really hard to differentiate crazy or surge? It really does suck being a woman still on the edge, but at least I am alive today still handing on
This last year I’ve worried that I will revert to my former self without the grounding the boys added to my life. That crazy out of control adolescent I was before Scott. While I know that I am older, I have made many stupid mistakes this last year. Many times I find myself being my own worst enemy. Letting old traits reappear.
I have continued to meditate each day hoping to build the new neuron pathways so my mind will react to the present instead if being reactive with the past twisted in the thought process. When I am meditating I see myself in a tight ball, thumb tightly plugged in my mouth. Sometimes I do wish someone would be there to push me tighter into the fetal position because I cannot seem to comfort myself completely. And then I wonder why should I have to do all this by myself? Jackie hurt her ankle and cannot run, so I am on my own…not always a good thing because it gives me too much time to let my mind wander…and cry about life…not just losing John. I have found much comfort in church, not sure I always go for the right reasons, sometimes it feels more like a habit, but the ritual of public worship has helped me become a better person. Two of my sisters are worried I am going to become a nun! I just decided either I could be mad at God or try to understand and hear the message from God. I asked Father David how did he get the “calling” to be a priest and he said it was not like a tap on the shoulder. He just kept coming to church until he knew. I know I will not be a nun, mostly because I like to say the word F@#K too much. But I would like to know if I have anymore purpose in life. Even if it seems extreme that I have been attending church a bit more than last year, it has kept me from committing suicide, which I in truth have contemplated.
I have wondered why I continue to expose myself publicly writing, but I think it is important for others, particularly those who have lost a child and then another child to becoming an adult and then the timing of the hormones which is really hard to differentiate crazy or surge? It really does suck being a woman still on the edge, but at least I am alive today still handing on
