Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Last Saturday I completed the necessary prayers, acts of contrition, blessings from Father Michael (the first year priest) and confession to assure John is now fully in heaven. I still believe in my heart of hearts John went straight to heaven, he did not pass go or have to collect his $200.00. John was a good man, with a soft gentle heart.
What does it all mean? One of the traditions required is going to church and taking Holy Communion. As I prepared with the usual prayers, listening to the consecration of the Eucharist, I felt very sad. I could not place my finger on what was making me sad except in some way by assuring John is in heaven I will be forced to give up some of the grief I feel for losing him. I should of felt great because Holy Communion was leading up to something great, John’s spirit free. It seems in the last few years I have grown comfortable in the skin of the mourning Mom. I am afraid if I let too much of it and feel peace then I may really blossom, but again how can I do that and honor my child?
It seems each day I let go a little more and then want to take it all back. I recognize this must be some flaw in my personality…the innate unwillingness to be completely happy again, but on the other hand, I have many loved ones in my live that refuse to let me stop trying.
What does it all mean? One of the traditions required is going to church and taking Holy Communion. As I prepared with the usual prayers, listening to the consecration of the Eucharist, I felt very sad. I could not place my finger on what was making me sad except in some way by assuring John is in heaven I will be forced to give up some of the grief I feel for losing him. I should of felt great because Holy Communion was leading up to something great, John’s spirit free. It seems in the last few years I have grown comfortable in the skin of the mourning Mom. I am afraid if I let too much of it and feel peace then I may really blossom, but again how can I do that and honor my child?
It seems each day I let go a little more and then want to take it all back. I recognize this must be some flaw in my personality…the innate unwillingness to be completely happy again, but on the other hand, I have many loved ones in my live that refuse to let me stop trying.
