Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

I got back home safe and sound from Texas last night. I do believe that the vacation was nice, at least spending time with my brother John's family was comforting but each day I got more and more depressed. I have gotten so depressed that I have asked my sister Jen into looking for a "Compassionate Friends" grief group for me to check out.

I am feeling better today for two reasons and this is what has prompted me to write today (plus I know some of you worry about me). First of all, I have been busy all day doing chores and catching up with stuff around Albany, including gardening at John's house. Every time I pass where he used to live and it is not neat and tidy it makes me feel the that the duplex is dead, therefore John is dead. With the lawn weed whacked (James is gone for the summer)it looks cared for and I don't get that clenching of my stomach when I drive by. The second thing is that has made me feel better is that I am sure John sent me a cloud formation. After whining and crying about the "God Light" cloud not being from John, yesterday when we were driving to my Houston visit to Walmart, there was a cloud that looked exactly like John and my secret word. I asked my niece if what she saw in the formation and she said the same thing. It was only there for a second, and I know you will think I am insane and perhaps I am, but it makes me feel better so I am going to go with it, the cloud looked like a hand waving as it changed. I again asked my niece, Meg if she could see that too and she said, she could make that out a waving hand too.

Being busy and seeing stuff still isn't enough to drag me from the big sighs I have been expelling. Jen e-mailed me and volunteered to call and get the group information and I will let her. The thought of having to call and explain anything is too much. For instance, this morning I had to call a blood testing facility because they have sent John to collections over an unpaid blood test. If you only knew how many times I have e-mailed, called and faxed information to this place the last couple years you would be as furious as I am. Luckily I write the name down of the person I talked to last time, a billing manager, no less, and they still don't have a grasp that, one: John's insurance covered that bill and two: HE IS DEAD! I even faxed over his death certificate. I asked the gal how she would feel if her child were dead and was sent into collections and she said, "I would feel terrible." Hopefully that will be that with this company. As far as Quest Diagnostics, I now am writing, "Return to Sender" on all the bills they send since writing, calling, faxing does no good. They cannot even get the address change right as they continue to send it next door. And I have given up on Blue Cross ever being compassionate or responsible. I wrote them last month, included a copy of John's death certificate, and asked them to please stop sending me these stupid notices that tell us they are not going to pay ANYTHING! I wrote, 'I get it, you are not going to pay anything' (even though they are suppose to pay all inpatient expenses) and sent all the notices back to them (about 35 of them) but at least it was to the right address since they never could get the address change correct between me moving to one side of the duplex in 2000 and moving back in 2003 (a long and complicated story not worth getting into). Well they opened the big envelope and remailed all the letters back to me. So I gave up and put it into the new file I have started since May 4, 2004. The other three boxes of files are now in the basement (what I do with them I have no idea).

Well this has made me feel a little better.

Yesterday as my brother,John, sister-in-law, Laura and I were driving home Laura noticed an incredible cloud formation that was covering the sun. What made it so spectacular is that the sun was covered, but there were rays of light coming from the top of the cloud that easily could of been in one of those Renaissance religious paintings. As we finished the drive to their house I kept looking back waiting for the formation to do something special, for me to see some indication that John was creator of the cloud knowing I always like to see what I call "God light" from the sky (the rays of sun through the trees on a crisp morning). By the time we got back though the realization is that John did not follow me to Houston. As nine weeks have passed since John's death I feel his presence less and less often--the signs are not coming as frequently that John has begun to move on and adjust to his death. And if this has happened for him then why haven't I? The last few minutes of John's life, those last few breaths when he was breathing so deep, trying to hang on so tightly, play like a broken record in my head. I feel angrier and angrier as each day passes. The gnawing feeling still feels empty and leaving Albany did nothing to lessen the emptiness. It continues to grow as I continue to try to find John. I have tried to find him and his joy in his pots in pans, instead I loath going in the kitchen.

Last night I had a dream that Scott ran away from home. I was distraught looking for him. Finally I found him in a room of the house I didn't realize I'd already remodeled laying on the bed. He'd returned without me knowing it. He told me he had a cold, and when I touched his head he had a terrible fever, but I knew the illness was brought on by his crying. I guess it means if I don't look in all the rooms for Scott, he could die too...not literally...but run away from me...

I am here visiting my brother John's family in Houston for the 4th of July. Will be here until day + 63 (9 weeks). Not as hot as it should be which I think is good since it seems plenty hot enough. Believe it or not what drove me up here this afternoon to write a bit is watching Homer on the Simpsons at an oxygen bar. He decides he has had enough of Moe's fancy bar and begins to storm out, but runs out of breath and has to return to the oxygen tank and fluffy pillows. I just wanted to cry since many times in the last few days of John's life, if he did take the oxygen off he almost always had to move as fast as he could to get it back on. It is almost the same reaction I have to the B.B. King diabetic testing advertisment where it shows how to prick the skin of the arm instead of the finger. That always brings back way to vivid flashes of John having to have his finger poked over and over again testing his blood sugar. His poor fingers were all blue and purple from the bruising.

Not to long ago I ran into a website where an Aunt was doing an online journal about her process of grief over losing her nephew. She reported seeing her nephew everywhere. Looking out the kitchen window, driving down the street. I wasn't really sure if she was a little goofy, but I also really believed that she was having sightings of her nephew. The reason I mention this is today my brother had me watch a show, "Dead Like Me". It is a weekly series on Showtime where an 18 year old dies in a freak accident and is assigned to become one of many grim reapers. Very interesting concept of death. The living do still see her, but no longer does she appear the same.

I have had hardly any dreams I can remember lately, and only a few with glimpses of John, once a side view and another it was almost John, but it was John in a "John" suit. If anyone has seen Men in Black, the alien invaded a farmer's body and wore the farmer's skin. It was pretty comical, but that is how John looked. His skin wasn't fitting anymore. So this just gives me the thought that perhaps this nephew just knows how to put his suit on better than John and it takes a while to learn this trick properly so that the loved one can come back recognizable. Who knows. Well I am being called to dinner. Love being spoiled by my brother...but the sadness has still followed me to Texas, mostly in the form of a cell phone that does not ring with John wondering when I will be home or where I put something. Do keep checking the phone to see if I missed his call.